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tapdanceoveryourheart (profile) wrote,
on 8-2-2007 at 1:52am
Subject: this really needed to come out
I finally made an appointment to see a psychiatrist because i couldn't take it anymore.actually not even becuase i couldn't take it anymore but becuase i had no choice.I've always been depressed and I've always had suicidal thoughts but not this bad before.It's really ridiculous and uncontrollable and it comes out of nowhere. for example, most days i would be 'normal' meaning i'm generally ok and things don't seem so bad.But then slowly the warning signs start to come.I'll wake up and i won't want to get out of bed.I force myself out of bed but i have no energy.there's a cloud over my head all day and for most people who feel sad they get over it.except for me my severe depression days last for a while.the next day the same thing happens except that i start having crazy thoughts.having the strongest urges to cut mysef(which i've only done a couple of times),how i don't want to live.There's been times when I've planned out to the hilt how i would go.I'll be in a tall building and i would wonder to myself, 'what if i just jump off?' i know it's really fucked up but I cannot control it.I don't know why i'm this way.I've always been like this,even when I was really young but it's never been this bad before.But then I was reading online that for people who have depression during their childhood,it worsens as they get older(or sommething to that effect).I don't really know how it is for everybody but I know that for me just becuase i think suicidal thoughts doesn't mean that I want to die.But the thoughts in my head say that I want to die.It doesn't make sense I know.I just know that I need to figure out how to not always think like this because i'm afraid that one day i'll actually do it.And i'm just so tired of feeling shitty all the time for no reason.I mean all the time.Even when i'm 'happy' i feel shitty.It's just this constant fucking cloud and it's so annoying.I'm tired of sedating myself with drugs and food and cutting and all that other fucked up shit.I want to be normal i really do.I want to wake up one morning and just be genuinly ok

p.s i have a fucking cold in the middle of summer, in like 80 degree weather.what the fuck is that?
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