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a-demons-angel (profile) wrote,
on 1-11-2008 at 1:33pm
Current mood: (Please let this work, please let her understand)
Music: Staind - Fade
Subject: Grrr...
I'm not as uplifted and hopeful as I was a few hours ago...
I guess mostly because I realize now I don't know the details or particulars of what I'm trying to do.
It might not even work.. =/
I really hope it does though, and I really hope she understands
I'm so tired of this being about a graduation ceremony and people putting so much emotional value on it.
Its such boggess.
Congradulate me when I'm graduating with a PhD in veternary medicine and procedures or something for God's sake.
When I've actually worked hard and actually ACCOMPLISHED something.
I mean, most people are capable of graduating highschool.

But anyway...
~sigh~
I'm tired of being depressed...
And its not even something I can help.
Well... "help" in theory


I can't stop reliving the pain of her either.
Maybe the reason I always go back to look is because I really really hope it won't be there.
That she'll have removed all of it.
And maybe its also because
Deep down inside
I really, really want more than anything for those months to magically undo themselves and cease to exist.
Because that is a pain that I don't think will dull with time.
Everything else I experienced, from Norris dying to Oct-Nov of 06, that I was able to heal from, and they didn't leave any deep scars.
But...
But with everything that happened involving her. Everything still going on.
Sometimes I just feel like my heart was mangled, but somehow left still beating and still capable of immense love.

But I just feel like unless she is erased from my life, past and present, then I'll never get better.

And that isn't going to happen.

And maybe I could heal if she would just let go and let her heart heal and forget.

But she won't.

And so here I am.

So unbelievably happy yet still so broken.

And I'm sorry, but how could you do unto me something similar to what was done unto you?

I don't understand it my love, I don't.

Make me better

<3
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