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|star-sailor (profile) wrote, |
on 4-21-2008 at 12:00am
|Current mood: stressed
Music: Haunted Rooms - The Jim Yoshii Pile-Up
Subject: Ashes, Ashes, We All...
|My confidence at the moment is dropping like a stone in the ocean. Down, down, down, unabated. It's difficult to explain how I can feel so stressed from my studies and my job, yet at the same time feel as if I'm hardly working at all.
I'm worried, honestly, about how this semester will turn out. Biology is going poorly, primarily on account of the teacher. I can't think with him - he makes it far too complicated. I haven't been to biology either, cause I've been stuck in this useless language lab, trying to waste hour upon hour in here so I can pass the damn French class. I see no point in "lab hours." The rule is you have to spend 30 hours in the lab studying language. That's a huge commitment! I'm fine with huge commitments, but this feels too grand for me. I don't feel that I should have to spend a day (over the course of several days, mind you) wasted in this horrid, ignorant room wasting time and doing nothing for hour on end. Even if I studied French the entire time, I could just as easily study at home without this extended, senseless effort.
Anyway, tangent; biology is really worrying me. I'm concerned I may not pass. I have been getting strictly average grades throughout, and I haven't learned how that project went a week or so ago. If I got a good grade on a project, that would definitely support my dull but passing grades much better, and I will almost surely pass for the semester. If I didn't do so well... well, I'd rather not think about that.
Biology lab is a completely different class with the same story. The biology lab counts as a huge portion of the overall biology grade. I have had "alright" grades, but they're strictly alright, and it'll take a lot of luck to pass. I need a good grade... oh, do I ever.
French is going alright, I suppose. I believe I'm passing, but not with any sort of astounding grade. I haven't begun to prepare for my oral exam or final, but I still have a fair amount of time. These lab hours are the main concern, as I only have about a week to log in about 13 hours. I'll hopefully knock out three of those today. I think I can finish entirely by the end of this week, but it'll take a huge commitment.
English is shockingly astounding though. My first paper recieved an A, and my second quickly earned me another. I only recieved a B on my first exam, though I didn't expect to do terribly well. I have to turn in another exam at the end of this week, but I feel that this essay is the best out of the three I have written this semester, so I believe I'll do well. I know I'll pass English, which is a relief that allows me to pay mind to my other classes which require more concern.
It's just a big, scary mess right now. I know I don't study much, which is a problem, granted. But that's not what has been causing my grades to drop. I can't pinpoint why exactly this has happened... it really doesn't make sense, especially in biology. I have studied like crazy and put a great deal of effort into that class, yet my grades do not reflect it. I feel I'm doing well, but something apparently is going wrong. Ugh, the STRESS! I am very ready for this semester to end... so very ready. I can't take much more. I need to breathe easy, just for a moment, to regain myself and my senses.
In other news, I went to a party on Saturday. I haven't been able to see my friends for quite some time, mostly because of their increasingly busy schedules. They all have jobs now, meaning they have less free time. I'm all for their working and earning money, but I do certainly miss them. The party was for Christina's birthday. She had a bouncehouse, and later we played Wii. It was lax, but fun. I also got to see Audrey, who I haven't seen in almost a year. I like her personality because I feel like I can relate well. She's what I'd like to be: athletic, quirky, but still unique and interesting. I'm envious, quite envious.
I'm just so stressed at the moment. It's hard to think anymore. I am very ready for the semester to end, even though I plan on taking at least one, if not two, summer courses. I know I'm taking this whole college thing at a slow pace, and due to recent circumstances, I feel like I should speed up. I am just very thankful that I have things to help me retain my sanity and to focus on: my music, my writing, and my relationship. But sometimes even these seem to fall short.
Well, okay, maybe not my music. I always enjoy my music - it can never let me down. But sometimes I feel like I'm listening to too much music. Some days I feel so saturated with sound, to the point where everything sounds bad and makes me moody (in a kind of annoyed way). My writing is excellent for escaping reality for awhile, so I don't have to think about life. But frankly, writing takes time, and due to the ever-busy schedule I feel like I have, finding time to sit down and concentrate on writing seems to be growing few and far between. My relationship with Jean is excellent right now; I can not possibly be happier with her, and things are going more than perfect. But I see the same couples here at school every day - arm in arm - smiling - walking together to wherever; a grace that Jean and I cannot afford due to the distance between us. What I'm trying to say is that I really miss her, because I'm never unhappy when we're together. I feel like that so rarely. I care for her a lot, and it's tough to care about someone so deeply and sit at home, bored, when I know I could be doing someone with that beautiful girl who's only twenty miles away. We won't be meeting together until next Saturday, which needless to say, is TOUGH. But for her, I'd wait longer.
My romantic attitude, mind you, doesn't make the experience any more pleasant, ahahaha. But I just miss her. And I know that this is the hard part of our relationship. If I can get through missing her, and waiting to see her, then we'll be sailing smoothly. Thankfully, we talk together on the phone (for literally hours) every night, and hearing her voice makes things a little more comforting. Oh great, I'm blabbing about relationship business again. Don't I have a life?
Reader, reader, how strange you are. How can you stomach my inane babble? Maybe you don't read at all. Who knows? I know, reader, that you should surely try to have a good day/week/month. Until next time.