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star-sailor (profile) wrote,
on 4-23-2008 at 12:38am
Music: One More Day Goes By - Some By Sea
Subject: The Words I Wished I Said In Scheming
Last night was sobering.
And things are different now.
I'll be frank, reader, my mind is a tumultuous mess. I'm the type who prefers to keep my cool at all times. But I'm never cool. I'm always out of order, and when things are getting good, something always goes wrong. And it's almost always my fault. And I hate it. I hate my ignorance and the way that I don't always watch what I say. It's gotten me into trouble more than once, and it has hurt me every time. It hurt last night too. But I fought for everything I hold dear last night.

The rocks turned to dirt as I slid down the side of the sheer-faced cliff, grabbing feebly onto the side with everything I had. But here I felt so safe - so secure - so well settled. But because I wasn't careful, I turned this picturesque cliff into an unstable place to be. It's my fault, but I don't want to leave. I want to stay with this cliff - I want to see the ocean water far below change it and mold it with fate's grand design. And when the cliff is threatened with violent quakes and severe storms, I need to be there to keep things together. Because I want to keep things together. And when I am threatened with falling again, I need to stable myself; I need to take care and be patient. I had poor planning before coming to live here, and I regret that I didn't see things more clearly. But I will work hard for what I want. I want to be nowhere else, so I'll prove that I'm worthy to stay. I'll justify my being here - I'll do whatever it takes.

It scares me to know that I've dangled once again. I thought those were the days of the past. I could have fallen last night, and I almost did fall. I'd hate to think what would have happened to me I didn't do my part to fix the situation. If I fell, my life would change forever. That's the simple fact.

I don't know what to think anymore, reader. Except that I care beyond rhyme and reason.
Reader, I know you don't understand, but wish me well.
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