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star-sailor (profile) wrote,
on 5-14-2008 at 7:48pm
Current mood: morose
Music: Red Streetcar - Quruli
Subject: The Forecast
I let a spider die today.

I didn't mean to, honestly. I hate killing things, even if they're bugs. I hate hurting things. Because I can only imagine how much it would hurt if I were in the same situation. I was getting into the shower, and our shower's faucet had been leaking for nearly a week. We were saving the water in the tub for plants and stuff, because I felt bad to watch all that water pass senselessly down the drain. When I was ready to step in, I saw a spider drowning. I was angry at the time, and didn't want to help. But I couldn't let it drown in the water next to me. I took a cup, got the spider and water in it, and set it aside, thinking that I would let him out later. He didn't make it - he drowned in the cup, and I feel horrible about it. I don't like spiders, and if I had seen the same spider walking toward me in my room, I would have probably killed it. But I didn't want it to drown... oh well.

One of my family members died today. I don't know his relation to me - I believe he's my grandma's brother. In any event, he has been on dialysis for a while now. His wife recently passed away, and he hasn't been the same since; his condition has only declined. Finally, yesterday, the doctors said that there really wasn't any point to keep him on dialysis, and they took him off. I didn't know him, so it doesn't hurt so much for me. But I never like death. I never have liked funerals, or wills, or last wishes, or anything of the sort. I hate to see things end.

Yesterday, Jean broke up with me. The decision was hers. Basically, and I am condensing this as much as possible (for who knows what reason), Jean felt that she was too busy with her schoolwork - too dedicated to being successful in her schoolwork - and too committed with her future career to be committed to a boy. She knew that I liked and cared about her a lot, and she felt that she wasn't putting enough of herself as she should have been into our relationship. There are other reasons behind the break-up that I won't get into.

This is the part where I whine and moan about things. But I'm not going to whine or moan. Why? Because I respect Jean. When I gave her my trust, I told Jean that I trusted her completely. With my trust, comes my respect. She earned my trust; thus, she earned my respect. I stand by her decision because I respect her decision. Do I like her decision? No, not really. In fact, I can't stand it; it's hard to comprehend that we are nothing more than friends. But in our relationship, I put her before myself. I put her thoughts, feelings, ideals, and decisions before myself. Her decision was that she wanted to separate, and though I cried, though I questioned, though I begged for an alternative, the decision was hers. I respect her decision. I am single once more.

I do not like Jean's decision, but I'm sure that's obvious by now. I respect her decision. I respect her. We are still friends, and again, I find myself trying to hold on to a good situation. Even if it hurts - even if we can't be more than just friends - being friends with her is better than not being friends at all. And it's worked before. It worked with my current best friend. Let's just do it again. This tired song has played once before, but I'd rather listen to this than something else. Listen away.

I am hurt. I am very emotional. I am a little angry. I'll probably be snippy during conversations. I may not be able to hold a proper conversation for awhile. I may seem to lack a lot of inspiration. I'm more than likely to seem sullen and downtrodden. I may not look good physically, either, for awhile. But I assure you, all of this, and the stuff I'm not mentioning, is normal. Just help me along when you can tell I'm not feeling well. That's all I ask. Don't start a fuss. Don't stop talking to me just cause I seem depressed or angsty. And for those of you who know Jean, don't you dare say one cruel thing to her. She is one of the three people I care for most right now, not counting my grandma. If I hear that anyone has said something mean to her, even slightly, I'll make them regret it. I can't emphasize that enough.

I slept (or tried) for twelve hours today. I didn't want to wake up. I just wanted to sleep for as long as I possibly could. I wanted to avoid my life, and avoid my thoughts, as long as I possibly could. But I had to wake up. I have commitments. I just lack one previous commitment as the sun rose this morning. It was cloudy today. That's how I feel, but that's how life is, I guess. Life is partly cloudy. But I miss the sun already.
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