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duckie (profile) wrote,
on 7-22-2008 at 12:42am
Subject: Don't feel like you have to read this.
I feel a bit of drama coming on, and I'm not at all looking forward to it.

I was good friends with a girl in high school, and in my darker days I decided that I was going to seduce her boyfriend and get him to sleep with me because I thought she was being a fucking cunt, and I just wanted to get back at her for it. I'm not proud, and this was when I was 18, so obviously it's been a few years. I'm pretty sure she knows what happened even though we've never actually talked about it. None of them talk to me anymore.

Well, apparently she got in touch with Missy who I just recently reunited with. After 5 years of bullshit, we finally got past things that happened at the end of high school, and we hung out and caught up like we never missed a beat. Sooo now Amanda wants to be friends with her, they talked on the phone, friended on facebook, and all that stuff.

I don't even know what to think. I just feel like I was stabbed in the fucking chest. I don't even know why I feel this way because it's completely unjustified. I fucked up when I was a kid, and I did things that I could quite possibly regret. Is it even worth it to feel like this? I don't deserve her friendship, but I feel like I deserve the chance to be heard out. Maybe I don't because I crossed one of those lines and broke one of the unwritten rules of friendship. I'm different now though, COMPLETELY different, and I've grown up a lot. I guess that's why I feel this is all justified. I hate that I give people second, third, twentieth chances, and when I want a second one, I don't get jack fucking shit.

So here I am for the who knows how many times wanting to try to reach out again. Try to explain myself and salvage whatever is left of what we had. I know it will probably end in heartache like it has every time before, but I can't seem to let go of everything. I can't just erase some of the best times and memories of my life, and no matter how hard I try to forget, I get slapped in the face with everything over and over again. Rolling with the same circle of friends always brings them around, and I hear about them whether I want to or not.

Damnit.
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