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faerin (profile) wrote,
on 8-15-2008 at 6:14pm
Current mood: blah
Music: "The Last Song I'm Wasting On You" by Evanescence
Subject: I'll never let you break me. Not again.
I feel so hurt. It's not the kind of hurt where I want to cry, but the kind where I just feel like I'm all on my own. I suppose it'll only make me stronger. It only makes me want to strive for more and become all that they never thought I could. I have so many goals, and I'm going to meet them all. No, I'm not just going to attempt to reach them all. I will. That's what life is for. You set goals for yourself and attempt to reach them. When you do, you are truly satisfied. As long as you remain happy in the process. Happiness is the most important thing in life, and I'm not going to let anything keep me from being a happy, self-sufficient person.

I don't understand hatred. I suppose I never have and probably never will. I'm one of those people who can pretty much get along with anybody, so when people senselessly hate others, I don't understand why. Sure, sometimes I act like a bitch, but usually that's just all it is. Acting. Usually jokingly. I'm a generally optimistic person who thinks people are good for the most part, or at least have the potential to be so.

I feel broken, but strong. Torn down, but motivated. Hurt, but resistant. Nearly hated, but independent. I feel like my heart is breaking yet healing itself all at the same time. I want to get out of here. I want to go to school, get a job, go out with friends, do things for myself. If it weren't for school or my dad, I'd probably just up and leave. If I'm going to focus on school, I can't worry about where I'll be staying that night. If my dad weren't here, I'd probably go crazy. My sister too. She's been really helpful through all of this, and loves me unconditionally. I love my mother, but if she's willing to let this come between us, then I don't know what to do about it. I just have to do what's best for me.

There's just too much to take all at once. I want to block everyone out of my life right now and just stand on my own. Just live for me and only me. It seems selfish, but right now, it may just be the best option. As much as I care about others, I can't keep putting everyone's best interests ahead of mine.

I have goals. I have a dream. I'll live it. I'll do all it takes to get there, and I'm not going to give up on that just because others want to drag me down. I'll never let that happen.

God damn it. I want to go swimming. xD

- Fae
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