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|caity_024 (profile) wrote, |
on 12-2-2008 at 11:05pm
|I'm drastically overwhelmed.
*I'm dead broke....broker than broke...in severe debt broke.
*I have too much homework to do and no motivation to do it.
*I'm worried about getting a good internship with my shitty grades.
*I don't know if i'm going to pass physics.
*I'm unmotivated to do anything, really.
*I'm fat. Gross. Ok, not FAT, but pudgy.....and lazy.
*Eric is moving to Arizona.....fairly soon i think.
*I don't know how to help him heal.
*I'm freaking out about grad schools and internships...i know i said internships twice...i'm that freaked out.
*I feel like I don't have enough time in my day.
I hate when I have these freakouts. They make me unable to concentrate or do anything productive. I wish I was 10 again. I wouldn't have to deal with all of this. I'm so broke I'm worried that my banks are going to start dropping me :-(. Can they do that? I've been so sick and missing work and going home that extra time.....not good for my wallet. It's really rather scary.
I'm so freaked out about my classes, yet i continue to slack off. I don't know WHY i can't get motivated. :-(
I feel sooooooooo lazy. I've been home since 5 pm, took a nap, and cleaned my room....watched house....and that's pretty much it. And looked at some scholarship information. I just don't understand why i can't get with it. So much for living my life. I'm just floating through it. And it just keeps hitting me in the face. I'm 21 years old....and I'm sitting around on my ass doing NOTHING right now. I feel like i'm taking life for granted over and over again.....
I keep getting angry with Joe.....angry and then sad and then angry for being angry. I still can't believe he's gone. It just doesn't fully process. And those few moments where it does, suck. He's not coming back. No more silly smile, goofy late night conversations about movies and music. No more watching him and Eric interact.....i loved to just watch them. They were so crazy, funny, bizarre, perfectly happy. Well maybe not perfect, but happy. That's when I get angry. Angry that he left....that he's gone and won't come back. Angry that Eric has to live his life without his best friend by his side, angry that Joe left so many people that love him. Is that selfish??? And then worst of all, I get angry at him because I'm hopeless....I can't make Eric smile like Joe could, can't get him out of a rut with some crazy ass antic. And I don't know what to do....because this is the one thing Joe would be able to help Eric with, help him through, be there for him as a friend and a brother.....it's not supposed to be like this. They're supposed to still be causing hell. Joe was supposed to find a girl cooler than me, get married and have a ton of little boys.....I hate that I won't get to see that.....hate that I have to wait years and years and years to see him again. If there's a God, why would he take away someone like Joe? Someone that good and that amazing just shouldn't die. Not until they're old and wrinkled and spent from a full life.
And I'm still at a loss helping Eric. I just want to take his pain away and I can't, I can't even touch it. I don't know what to do...I can get him to laugh, to joke, to enjoy life a little, but then there's still that dark dark hurt......and I don't know whether to talka bout it or not....whether to bring it up or leave it alone.
And he's going to Arizona.....on top of everything else. I guess that part i'm LEAST worried about....it's free for me to get out there....but WHY can't I just have him for a little while?? Just me and him again....I feel like we have so long to wait for that. :-( We've been apart for 8 months now....and they've sucked. I miss him so much...miss curling up on the couch with him, laying around on a lazy sunday afternoon, snuggling up close to him at night. I hate crawling into my empty cold bed most days....some days, it is nice....big bed all to myself....but most days i crave him...i want him next to me. I wish I could just be with him, all the time.....is that creepy?? I don't know what I"m going to do....maybe I'll move out to Arizona for the summer.....
I don't want to write any more....instead of boosting my spirits like this usually does....this has just dragged me down.