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devourhotpockets (profile) wrote,
on 5-19-2009 at 6:09am
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I only feel the need to write, nowadays, when I am angry or depressed. I suppose it's a good sign that I haven't written a word for months, but overall I think it would be best for my career and my personal development if I were consistently more depressed than I am now. I also find that the only times I'm really ready to write, the sun is on it's way up, and I'm avoiding getting in bed. This is why I'm glad that I only work about 18 hours a week at the moment.

I think last Tuesday is when the first stressful social issue sprung into my life. My boss at my undisclosed job confronted me with things that I had said about her on the Internet, to other people with the same job as me, all around the world. Obviously no names or locations were disclosed. It's funny and terrible how often something I've said on the Internet has gotten me into trouble. You'd think I'd learn. I am learning. What I said was related to a sexual and romantic affair she had with one of my co-workers, an affair which has made our workplace a much more stressful and touchy environment than it should be. She had printed out everything I said and laid it out for me. I was not fired - I had, however, hurt her feelings deeply by making such outrageous comments. She told me right then and there that she has had no sexual or romantic relationship with any of our co-workers. She lied right in the direction of my face and into my ears and mind. I accepted what she said, and I felt quite bad. I was also slightly angry, here's why: She told me that she could fire me but she is not going to. She told other employees that this was a fireable offense. I told her that what I do off the clock is my own business. She responded that slandering her makes it her business. There is a problem with this, for I did not slander her. I can back that up with two facts - One, I never used her name, my own name, or even our general location. It would be very difficult and take a lot of coincidences to pinpoint exactly which human being in the world I am talking about in my posts. No damage has been done to her reputation. The second and equally important issue is that I did not say anything that was not true. There is a pile of evidence against her so large that it's obnoxious that she would think to lie to me about it. So, she lied to me, and at the moment, I accepted what she said. I apologized for hurting her feelings, specifically. I explained that it was just my way of relaxing, it was not really personal, it was just venting hot air. I said this because of immediate, unconsidered guilt and out of fear for my job. Now, I spent what feels like an eternity stressing over this. I trusted that she would not fire me, but pondering the hurt that I caused and the embarrassment of being caught was enough to put me down in the dumps. I decided I would buy her a gift and write a personal, overly kind note to her. The following day, Wednesday, this was put aside for other matters in my life.

This leads me to my second stressful social situation. It is by far the most important to me, and at this point is mostly the only thing getting me down. I spent Wednesday with some people that I don't see as often as my close friends, and I had a good time doing so. I enjoyed myself from a little after I got up on Wednesday, all the way until I was about to go to sleep. I cannot and will not offer any details or hints as to what transpired. I will merely say that this stressful social situation took dominance over any of my other preoccupations and is still causing me quite a bit of pain and unhappiness.

While I was definitely unhappy and confused on Thursday, I still had things to accomplish. I went to Borders and bought a popular book for approximately $15. I went to CVS and bought an unspecific but visually appealing card. I brought these things home and escaped into media until late at night, when I filled out the card and continued to fuck around.

Friday I wrapped the gift and got my shit together. I brought it to work and put it in a safe place - when it was time for my boss to leave, I told her it was there, but not that I knew anything about it. After closing, myself and two co-workers had a very long discussion relating to the incidents on Tuesday and what they related to. By the time I left the store, I felt like a complete chump and a complete asshole for actually feeling bad. I learned much from the conversation, and the more I learned, the more I realized how wrong it is to be upset about hurting this woman's feelings. I've always known how prone she is to lying, but I am just not set up to consider deception in everyday life.

Saturday she offered a short and quick thank-you, which I appreciated, as it helped me to forget the incident faster. I worked, on Saturday, with a new attitude - I cannot trust my second-in-command boss with any type of information. I realized, far later than I should have, that he passed along most of everything that I said on to our boss. I honestly just felt that he understood the difference between an actual concern and venting. It's an uncomfortable situation. I spoke to him often and about many things, and once I did ask him to talk to our boss on my behalf, but otherwise, I did not want anything I said passed along to her. If I wanted her aware of my minor concerns, I would have told her myself. So now I just do not speak to him. I reserve my conversation for other people. Customers, other co-workers. I answer his questions and work as usual, but aside from that, I feel no desire to discuss anything with him. As I said earlier, I am not used to second-guessing my trust, and constant suspicion is a very unsettling way to deal with people.

Saturday night brings us to the third stressful social situation. I had a great time the entire night up until a certain point very near the end. There was a gigantic blowout argument in front of several people and it was incredibly embarrassing and dramatic. I do not feel that I embarrassed myself or that I made the scene, but I was definitely a part of it, and that is enough. I was stating how I felt about a certain issue, and my opponent became very, very emotional and upset. Further details are unnecessary and in poor spirit. I am not very worried or upset over the situation, for various reasons. Nonetheless, it was quite stressful at the time.

There are several other situations which I am not very involved in, but people close to me are, and much of that stress spreads to me. Not enough to debilitate me or make me complain, but now that other things are bothering me, I am noticing the extra weight. I would not prefer it be lifted, though, as I care about what is happening in said situations.

So what have I learned? What am I learning? Well, the first situation is giving me a very real and very negative life lesson: Don't trust anyone until they've earned it. I think all of my co-workers have earned my trust. Many from years of working together, years of conversation, and no leaks. One or two deserve my trust because of the trust that I know they've put in me. Three co-workers do not, on varying levels. One is a complete loose cannon and I have absolutely no idea what will happen with him in any situation. One is quite manipulative and tends to stray from the truth often. One just gives information to one of the others. Obviously the life lesson that I stated for this situation is a bit extreme, and I'm not applying it to every aspect of my life. But for the workplace, I think it is necessary. (And if any of you see this - note the lack of names or any kind of specificity. Slander? No way. Vague honesty.)

The second situation, I can not really speak on. I can tell you that so far, I have learned very little. Most everything that I have learned has been about myself, and at this point there is little real revelation or resolution to the situation. Right now I'm just hurt, confused and wanting. I'm not exactly sure what I am hurt or confused about, even. There are two solutions to this problem that I think I would like, and neither of them seem likely. I can only wait and see where my life goes in this area.

I don't think the third situation has brought anything new to light. Not for me, anyway. And I can't speak for others. I think it will be fine.

The others, too, I am confident will work out. Not always to the contention of all parties involved, but at least they will be put to bed.

In the meantime, I have two very ambitious friends. One is in Minnesota and one is in California. They do not like each other, but also have little knowledge of the others' relationship with me. The one in California is attempting to create basically an entire three-part video game. It is set in the Star Wars universe and deals with a certain timeline popularized in other video games, books, and comic books. I am almost completely unfamiliar with the subject matter. He wants me on board as a writer, and while I do think it would be fun to write the story and dialogue for a video game, I am not ready to commit. This is because he has absolutely no idea what he's doing, I think. He came up with an idea. He thinks the end product would not only be a fun game for him and several others to play, but would also be important in the Star Wars gaming community. He has no modelers, coders, or even an idea for what game engine to use. He really has a basic idea for the story, and then many ideas for how great it will be when it's completed. He and I started work on something like this before, put hours into hammering out the story, and it never went anywhere. I am making it clear to him that I am not ready to work until we have a more concrete platform to jump from.

My friend in Minnesota is attempting to set up a large, bustling online community, which would rival (and hopefully crush, in his mind) a community which I have put years of time and effort into helping. I am offering him files that I've saved over the years that will be helpful to him in some way. Otherwise, I am not getting too involved yet. Right now there are only a few people contributing. Some I don't know. One of them is totally full of himself and obnoxious. Most of them seem to have only vague ideas of what they want out of this project. So at the moment, I am keeping my distance a bit, from both of these friends' fantastic ideas. But it's hard for me that they keep IMing me to brainstorm when I'm trying to relax, and that so much of what they both say strikes me as unappealing.

I suppose I will just continue going on with my life. Hopefully a second job will fall into my lap, or an extreme promotion. Hopefully I can have some fun too. I hope things work out.

(How crazy it would be if I died tomorrow and this is the last message from me, right? So dramatic. 7:23 AM now.)
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