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devourhotpockets (profile) wrote,
on 5-26-2009 at 12:47am
Warning - I may use too many unnecessary big words to be intelligible.

I know that when I look upon these words in the future, I will feel only distress and intensely debilitating low self-esteem. But I also know that this is the most eloquent that I have been in months. Not necessarily the most eloquent, strike that (it was still good enough for me to refrain from hitting the backspace button) - but the most eloquent COMBINED with the feeling that all I would like to do in this moment is express my deepest thoughts and most recent encounters.

All four people that care the most about me in this world (which I know is an exaggeration due to my lack of recognition of family members and humans absent from this current experience of mine) are locked in the bathroom next to me. Not locked by any technical or physical means, nay - locked in at my request. "Stay in this room and leave me alone, so that I may write in peace." Expressed in obviously less intelligible dialogue than what I have just provided for you. I have added this a few minutes later, but I have only the deepest respect and admiration for the fact that my companions are heeding my requests and leaving me alone to write. So let me start from the top. The top to bottom, the entire twelve floors of my thoughts this night, are my experiences and my worries.

First story - I have seen a very regular and very friendly customer whose name I will not divulge (but I will give you a hint - think dinosaurs) twice today. The first time I had just eaten lunch. I felt terrible because I had just eaten for the first time in a day and a half, and I ate way too much for my then-fragile stomach to handle. But I was definitely excited and kind of satisfied, in a very innocent way, to see these three regular customers. Satisfied because I have expected this entire time to see a customer, and finally I did. The second time I see these people will be saved for a later story, because I'm worried about my capacity to tell twelve stories.

Second story can be that I met an EMT and told him too much personal information. I told him my first name and where I work, which is enough to destroy my tiny life. He assured me that he was trustworthy and only cares about each person's well-being, which as I write now is the most calming thing I've heard all night. But I have been so worried that my honesty will come back to bite me in the ass. He specifically asked me for only my first name and which store employs me. Fuck. But I think he and his friend, after much discussion, are trustworthy. They did both agree that I am too trusting, but also not to worry. I think that brings us back to a theme from my last post and a recurring theme in the past two weeks of my life: I am too trusting. I am not suspicious enough of people and their potentially deceptive motives. I think that would be well-worded if not for the prominent "ve" sound in two consecutive words. Sorry, digression. I don't think I have anything to worry about in these EMTs, but I am worried about my own nature. I doubt I am the worst person they spoke to that night because they said a lot of people can't even say their own name. But it sucks how much information I willingly gave up.

The third story is of a girl in a gray halfshirt with short blonde hair. She and I were both desperately thirsty, and she got some water shortly after we spoke on the subject. She shared her water, and even told me to drink more of it. This is an action of Biblical proportions in the sense

I will come back to this later! I thought I lost it all, and here are my thoughts on that subject: "I had two hours worth of well-worded, intoxicant-influenced thoughts written here and the button that I clicked to share it with all of you is the one that spelled my certain doom." But thanks to Griffin and Mac computers, I have it back, and will finish it in the future.
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