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faerin (profile) wrote,
on 6-19-2009 at 3:59am
Current mood: numb
Music: "Poison Love" by Phoebe Sharp
Subject: So this is rock bottom? Not as dark as I imagined it would be.
Wow. I haven't written in the blog in nearly a year. o.o Well, I have a feeling that I'm going to be giving it some more attention again. At this point in life, everything just seems to be going downhill. Oddly enough, at the same exact time, there seems to be a bright glimmer of hope in the distance.

A year from now, I'll be finishing up my associate's degree in interactive media. What does this mean for me? It means that I'll be moving away from the town I've known since I was born, and the people I've known for many years. That's right. I'll be packing up and moving to Illinois to be with my boyfriend. We're going to look for an apartment to rent while he goes back to school for his master's in computer programming and I... well, I'm not honestly sure what I'm going to do. I may take some time off and just work full-time so that I can save up money. But other than that, I'll be going to school for my bachelor's. Once we're both done with school, we'll be looking to buy our own house, and so life will continue on.

Until then, we're stuck in a long distance relationship for another year. :< At least we're almost at the half-way mark of our long distance relationship. I just got back from Illinois a few days ago after being there for a month, and it was fantastic! Sure, with living with him constantly for a month straight, we had our fair share of issues. You never really know someone until you live with them after all. Anyway, we had our disagreements and our arguements. Once in a while, things got pretty ugly. Still, I think it's safe to say that the good times definitely outweighed the bad. I was so used to being able to wake up to see his face every morning, and being able to fall asleep with my arms around him. Being here without him now feels just horrible. It's odd that I came home to everything that was familiar, yet things have never felt more strange to me.

Tonight wasn't so great. :\ I waited all day to speak with my beloved. It was all I really wanted. I even quit everything else I was doing so I could just sit and talk to him. I miss him terribly. Anyway, for some reason, my mood changed all of a sudden. I read way too deep into something and I felt really hurt, which in turn just made me mad. I tried to keep my mind off of it, but it didn't really work out. So eventually things just kind of snapped between us and he went to bed after I, to my regret, hung up on him without saying "I love you too". :< That's one of my favorite things about him. No matter what's going on between us, he always says "I love you".

Almost immediately after, I tried calling him back while crying so that we could work things out, but he didn't answer. Odds are that he turned his volume down and went right to sleep. I really needed him and I felt like he wasn't there for me. Part of me just feels like he doesn't even care sometimes. I know he does, but sometimes he can come across as so heartless and uncaring. *sigh* I feel like I always have to be the one to apologize. Sure, I cause most of the problems because I'm the overemotional one, but sometimes it would be nice to hear him apologize for making me feel upset and hurt. And that's just what I was tonight. Extremely hurt. Not only by the initial incident, but also by the fact that he wasn't there for me.

So then I had an emotional breakdown and cried for about an hour. Then, as I knew I would end up doing, I called and left him some long voicemails trying to tell him how I was feeling, and apologizing for certain things, telling him that I missed him and that I loved him very much. It sucks fighting over long distance. At least when you're fighting while you're living together, once you get over things, you can always go to the other person and apologize, or hug them, or something. Being so far away, there isn't even a guaruntee of being able to get ahold of them.

*Yawn* I just hope everything is alright tomorrow. Well anyway, I'm going to go get some sleep. I have to wake up, get a shower, and then get ready to spend the weekend at John's house. That should be fun. I'll try to keep this blog a little more updated nowadays. :P Night all! <3

- Fae
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