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cleverlinesunread (profile) wrote,
on 9-30-2009 at 11:31am
Music: Sybris
Subject: Plans.
These last few weeks I've felt rather apprehensive. This year of my life has been so amazing and honestly the best year of my life. I'm not sure why exactly, nothing outstanding has happened. It's just.. I don't know. I've felt stronger and more in control and actually happy. Maybe it was leaving Australia and, really, going there in the first place. I gained a lot of independence leaving here and then there. I think it's also being single. I had a little drama here and there and definitely a few distractions and hardcore crushes, but no one really wants to put any effort into a rolling stone, which in the end really only paid off. I think most of it is seeing that I can actually be happy. I struggled with that a lot when I was young, because I was naive and well, young. And even when I experienced happiness it was always due to a relationship or for only instances. Depending on being sought after to be happy. I finally learned how to do that on my own and though one day I'd love to be in a relationship again, and I obviously will be, it's nice to know there's more to life and I can actually see that. It's important to learn how to be happy with yourself. I'm not sure how I did it, maybe because I had no choice, but I gained so much more confidence and learned who I was and what I truly cared about. I've never really felt comfortable in my own skin, probably due to those around me, but I can finally look in the mirror and like what I see. I can finally appreciate my body and say even though in some peoples eyes I'm not a "real woman" and I don't have some huge chest I actually love my body. I never thought I'd get to a point where I could say I liked my chest and I actually do. I even am to the point where I wouldn't want a big chest even if I had the choice. That may seem odd and it may also seem odd that I am even talking about this, but for a girl, from a girls point of view, that's a huge thing and somewhere I never thought I'd get. I don't think I'm the prettiest girl on the planet and I still see those around me who would put me to shame, but I've come to realize if everyone was "perfect" that just wouldn't be exciting or real and I'm a fan of reality I suppose.

So, back to the reason I'm feeling apprehensive! It's like as soon as things were right and I truly settled into something good it's time for me to go. It's like I don't want to say goodbye to this. I finally love and understand my family, I have actual, real friends that aren't like the people who are still stuck in High School, Grand Rapids seems to be really opening up and there's so much to do around here finally, and my Photography is really bringing in a lot of money and I've learned A LOT within the past month even. So it's like I am walking away from things I've worked hard to build or things that fell into place, but at the same time I know it's time for me to move onto something else. Something more gratifying, life changing, and growing. I've talked to a lot of people who have served and I've heard the same thing from all of them. They say it's really hard, you'll want to go home, you'll struggle a lot, but in the end it's one of the most amazing experiences ever and they are glad they persevered. I can't say I am exactly ready for it or prepared, and more than likely I'm going to be knocked on my ass, but I am ready to stick it through and stay along for the ride. If I settled into my life now I can't imagine how I would feel looking back wondering what different experiences I could have had. I don't want what most people want and I can't imagine living like those around me. So, in my eyes, I have no choice. And having no choice has never seemed so right.

Once I've served I'd like to get into an overseas program. I suppose I am a bit open to anything right now though. I think I'll get some opportunities once I am in CA and more options will be thrown at me so when people ask me what my plan is... well, it doesn't exist. How can I make a plan when I haven't lived the next year of my life yet? How can I know what I want or what I'll learn about? As far as I'm concerned college, careers, families, relationships, and plans can find some other poor sap to latch onto it. My plan is to live and find out on the way.
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