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cleverlinesunread (profile) wrote,
on 10-4-2009 at 8:24am
Music: Frightened Rabbit
As each day comes to an end I am starting to freak out a little more. I am not ready, I don't know what to pack, the physical training is going to kill me, waking up at 5:30 is going to kill me, not having my own space, sitting in classes, etc. etc. etc.

I am a very routine person. I love to experience new things, I love to travel, I love to be spontaneous and just go, and I love learning new things, but when it comes to my every day normal life I am very routine and organized.

I am scared, I am nervous, but when I really think about my life I can't imagine going on how I am. Yeah, it's been great and fun and I've made tons of amazing memories, but am I really living with purpose? No. Am I making any sort of change? Other than recycling, no. My biggest purpose in life cannot be recycling. So, this is it.

I kind of want to struggle and be disciplined and not want to wake up every day and help other people, but do it anyway. Generally people live very selfish lives and I can easily say I do and it's time for a change.

I suppose what I am most nervous about is how the people are going to be. My team leaders and team mates. I don't know what to expect and I want to go in being myself, but what if who I am doesn't mesh with my team? And what if everyone just looks at me as a joke because I'm not exactly muscly. I really don't want people to look at me as weak. Though I won't say I can't lift a whole lot and I may not be all that strong physically, but I do think I am bringing something to the table worth value.

Ugh. None of this matters. I am doing this either way. Worrying is stupid. I am just anxious and want to be there already so I can see what I am dealing with and well, deal with it.
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