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oceanchild (profile) wrote,
on 11-20-2009 at 10:51pm
Current mood: optimistic
Subject: Things are changing
As the title suggests, a lot has happened during my long silence. I'll try to keep the exposition short so this doesn't get TL;DR. The main idea I wish to convey is that I'm making some changes in my life for the better, and I feel optimistic about the way things are going.

David from Scotland...
David was my roommate during my year abroad in Berlin (he's from Scotland originally). We both graduated in June and have spent the time since living at home and being unemployed. As a graduation present his parents offered to send him on a trip; he came to visit me here in California. We spent the first few days in Sacramento, then went on a road trip that took us through San Francisco and Santa Cruz down to LA. Lots of adventures were had, including getting lost in the SF mountains and drinking a beer float. Unfortunately, I came down with the flu the night we got back from LA, so we didn't get to do any of the things I had planned for our remaining time in Sacramento. That was pretty disappointing. Still, it was great to see him again. His visit was a much-needed break from the monotony of unemployed life, and it helped to boost me out of said monotony permanently -- read on.

A sudden realization about the status quo...
I was walking down the Third Street Promenade with David on one side and my other bestie, Chris, on the other when I realized that I am profoundly dissatisfied with my life as it is now. Ever since graduation I've been stuck in this unemployed rut; I sit at home on the computer, not really doing anything worthwhile, eating badly and losing the flexibility and stamina I built up over the past year. As a result I've grown more and more listless, unmotivated and self-conscious. I decided that I need to make some changes: get back in shape, fix my patchy eating habits, start volunteering, go through my closet and get rid of everything that makes me feel unattractive. So what if I'm a little directionless? I can still do things that make me feel good about myself, and I intend to.

To reflect my change in attitude, I cut my long, long hair. Honestly, I was a little nervous; it's been a long time since I had short hair and I wasn't sure how it would turn out. But while having long hair was occasionally nice, more often than not I was disappointed and self-conscious when I looked in the mirror, and I decided that needed to change. I love how it turned out, and I'm going to donate my ponytail to Locks of Love.

Nathan and I are taking a step back from our relationship. That's not a euphemism for breaking up; I hope that doesn't happen for a long time. But things were getting too serious for me and I was starting to feel a little bit like I was trapped, married without being really married. I love Nathan, and honestly, I can see myself being happy with him permanently -- but not yet. I still feel far too young and inexperienced for such a commitment. We talked about it all and decided that it would be best to cool it and work on self-sufficiency. We've also tossed the idea of moving away together, which means I'm now going to be in Sacramento indefinitely. I'm really relieved to have all of this worked out, and things between us have been loads better since our conversation, which is great. (Tangentially related -- we just celebrated our 3.5th anniversary!)
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