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|darksworddancer (profile) wrote, |
on 12-21-2009 at 10:39pm
|Its always interesting when i go back and look at old entries- cause i've morphed so much they don't make much sense.
Its really funny, because on this very page there is an oath i made to myself that came true without copmming true. I told myself i was going to lose my weight if it killed me. Really i just finally fell in love with myself after something else killed me.
Anyways i was about to scurry off to more social networks of communication but i've decided to stay and do my end of the year update that i always do somewhere.
SOOOO since last decemeber....damn this year has been nuts but here we go:
I became a college drop-out and re-enterd.
I attempted to forge my way into Seattle and gave up when i saw how tall the wall really was.
I learned to love and escapes a cycle of love.
I had an epic adventure to Vegas with roxanne.
I learned to love myself and in a sense have bloomed into a new girl.
I fell for love with someone who was in love and burned us both for it.
I watched tiowers burn for the first time in years.
I am an artist.
I got published!!!! yay for the cover
I came to a maturity where i can live with my parents.
I found my brother.
I bonded with old pals and made new ones.
I found myself.
I found my power.
a bulimic chick told me i was beautiful.
I had a one night stand that lasted aprox 17 m inutes.
I had 5 dates in one week.
I gave up pop.
I lost 30lb and gained it back.
I found out im a 40DDD.
Looking back on the year as a whole I have grown so much. I figured out i am a person liked by many but know by few. I have figured out how strong i really am.
Its funny becuase people keep telling me i am so confident and i exude confidence and i'm so self assured and blah blah blah but im not, i kinda just gave up on caring about what they all thought of me. Why do i care about the gossip? I don't care about what others have that i don't. I could give a flying fuck about what anyone thinks i lack.
So in a sense i found happiness.
Really: WHY do people care about who has the best stuff? What other people choose to do with their lives especially if it dosnt effect you? Why do people want to destroy other people to better themselves when it only betters them in their own eyes? Why do people give a flying rip about what the chick/dude in the corner is wearing?
What is the point of all that? Why would you mud up your life with all that nonesense?
I've found something that finally works for me.
Because i don't need the best things in life to be happy- i have a fucking 8 by8 tv in my dorm that plays vhs tapes- that makes me smile :D.
Because i don't care about who fucked who and why it was a bad decision unless they are a lifetime friend.
I don't care who is the handsome guy. For me looks come after a long list of attrributes that make me happier then their face, beauty is very easy to find in anyone , honesty, integrity, humor, a dash of chivalry and a pinch of dumb boy is hard to find. I find beauty in my loves in their hands, their eyes and the emotions they spark in me- thats what i want.
Because i give people advice but don't think they are obligated to follow it. People make their own god damned decisions and they will suffer the consequences-not me.
Because i just really dont care anymore- why do i need to? If they don't matter to me i refuse to get wrapped up in their nonesense. I don't have time for that.
Oh this also needs to be said
I am fucking tired of walking after you and picking up your messes, im tired of having to baby you, im tired of the "stupid act" you do, im tired of having to be more mature then you, i fuicking hate your abandonment issues, i dont need or want your fucking advice and god so help me if you try and analyse my love life again i will walk away and never look back.
I adore you but if i want yuour advice i will ask you.
Its not to be mean but really- i dont take advice unless i seek it out.
I dont care that you think because roxanne is moving in that i will leave you because if i do then im a bad person and you shouldnt want to be my friend anyways.
I'm tired of your stupid fucking games, your dumb little seeds you dont think i see you trying to plant. I am not easily manipulated by people so transparent as you.
I hate the fact that you are shallow. that fucking just grates on me. I hate the fact you want me to cradel you for your fucking dumb decisions. I hate that you lie to me and think its funny. I hate that you know you are making bad decisions but do them anyways and treat your long time friends like shit. I hate that you fucking cant keep a secret and then get pissed when others are pissed that you blab- what do you fucking expect? You betray people and that hurts asshole.
I hate your vengful ways. I hate how malicious you can be and really casey darlin i hate how fucking fake you are and how you think its entertaining. its not.
The casey i liked seems to have gone away. The casey who was awesome seems to be hibernating.
And well i think we need to take a break pumpkin.
SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. thats been my year and some well deserved venting. :D