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kunta (profile) wrote,
on 1-12-2010 at 3:42am
Current mood: content
Music: Radio Noise At Work!
Subject: I messed up!
Ok kids, today we will discuss on how I have messed up. Seems to happen a lot to me. I know I posted in the last entry how I have been changing and growing up. Im only 24, 25 in less then 6months. Thats almost 1/3 of my lifetime. I still have 2/3's to go and I plan on doing a lot of things in that time, including to get married and start a family. but for that to happen I need to get my life in order because the girl of my dreams is slowly fading out of the picture and that simply just cannot happen. I have messed up once again. I lied to the one I love. I shouldn't have done it. I didn't cheat on her or anything but I did betray her in a way that shouldn't have even happened in the 1st place. When will I learn to just tell the people I care about whats going on in my life and not to keep stuff bottled up? Sometimes I just can't do things on my own and I need to ask for help but I don't. Maybe I feel like less of a man when I ask for help? I don't know what it is but the one person that I should never keep anything from, is the one person that I can hardly tell anything too. I guess I get it from my father. He never told my mother dicksquat. And he ended up having a massive heart attack. I need to be more open, esp about my feelings. I am starting to open up at least but it needs to get so much more better then what it is. I remember a time, when I was like.. 7... that I would never shut up. But I guess thats what kids do. I tend to ayalize everything now before I open my mouth, which is a good thing sometimes, but not all the time. I guess when I have a problem, I like to think about it and ways to solve it, different scenarioes on how to handle it, and then I choose one.. and thus far I have done the wrong chocies and ended up hurting people that I would never want to hurt. Sometimes I wish there was just a button to push that when a problem arises, you could just push the "easy" button and it will go away.. wrong.. doesn't happen that way at all kids. Life is full of choices, and sometimes you make mistakes. You can't take them back, but you can fix them. Thats what Im trying to do. Fix whats wrong in my life 1st, and then work on my relationship, or lack there of. Liz is everything to me, she always will be. I want her to be my wife one day and bare my babies. She has some work to do on being a person as well, but shes young yet, shes 21, she has lots of stuff to explor. But how am I going to let her explor life when I have already taken so much of hers already? She knows what I want in life, and although Im only 4 years older then her, Ive experienced so much more then her. Im almost ready to settle down and buy houses, get married, start a family in like the next 3 or 4 years. But she is no where knew that level of life yet. I mean I know she wants all that stuff, but she still needs to experience some stuff, some stuff I can't give her. I would like to be there and help her on her path, but some things she will have to do herself. The only problem is that I don't want to let her go. Call me selfish. We can't change the past, but if I could, I would choose to meet her a few years down the road when we are actually both ready to move on to higher steps of our lifes. But we can't go back, ever. Whats done is done, and we both have hard choices ahead of us. But after all, as I said, thats all life is, is chocies. Thanks God for freewill. I hope one day she realizes how much I truely am in love with her and will always always be there for her no matter what. But you can't really prove love. its an expression and can't be explained in written word. So I hope one day I can actually express the love I feel for her in person and just make her smile like I use to when I 1st met her. I hope this year will bring me happiness and that my mom will finally stop stressing me so much. I grew up way to fast, and it wasn't by choice, but God wanted it that way and thus it is so. When I die, I have so many questions for God that its going to be insane, Im gonna be sitting in front of him for like a week straight just asking certain things. I just hope hes gratful enough to answer my petty questions. Overall, I just hope that one day Liz will trust me enough again to actually have a relationship. Trust is key and we have none. Thats a huge issue and needs to be fixed. Enough Ramble Ramble, I need to relax.
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