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squallet (profile) wrote,
on 2-25-2011 at 12:44am
Current mood: busy
Music: "Oblivion" by Entwine
Subject: I'm so stupid it kills me sometimes...
I feel about five years older just since my last Woohu entry. >.> Maybe it's just that I'm becoming a lot more realistic and bitter towards people. xD Life lately has been nothing but school, friends, and sleep. No complaints though.

That dumb romantic side of me still seems to be lacking, but I'll live. No man ever seems to live up to my standards anyway. Is it too much to ask for a man to NOT be a compete tool? Just curious. o__o

I had a random shitty dream last night. It threw me off for the entire day. It was actually about an ex of mine, so it's had me a little worried. When I dream about bad things, sometimes they tend to happen. :\ So far, I've never had any tragic bad dreams. It's usually just relationship issues. xD

I feel like a complete 180 from my last entry. >.>; I'm like "Really? I was counting on that? I got my hopes up? Why?" x.x;; *shakes head*

I've made some awesome new friends, namely the people I'm rooming with for Colossalcon. :3 I've accepted that at least if I'm going to be single for life, at least I'll have cool friends. XD I'm in a very instrumental soundtrack mood right now... o.o

Okay, so something amusing happened today. Said person who I once cared for, well, his brother said something stupid. I just shrugged it off; it didn't really bother me. Actually, what bugged me was that his brother noted my existence more than he did. >.>;

Tell me then why he felt the need to apologize for what his brother said? Seriously? You haven't even been talking to me. Don't act like you care when clearly I've already accepted that you don't. Face it. I could cease to exist and you wouldn't even notice. Everything else in your life is so GOD DAMN important, and I am SHIT.

Bottom line? You're not worth my time.

Which makes it all the more aggravating that it still bothered me. >.> Sure. Go ahead. Tug the heartstrings. Call me that nickname you haven't called me in months. :\ Make me think you MIGHT actually give a fuck. You don't, so don't act like it.

Here's the deal. If you care, fucking say so, and then ACT like it. If not, don't waste my fucking time. I don't have the time or the patience for games anymore.

Man, this is the longest I've been single in a long time. It's made me really see how tired I am of the 'game'. I just want a kind man with good intentions. Really, that's honestly all I ask for. If a man's intentions are good, most other positive qualities follow.

I want someone who actually fits with me and is like my missing puzzle piece. I've never found that guy who compliments me well. You know, that relationship where people look at you two and go "you were made for each other". I know very few couples like this, but I consider them very lucky. I would give anything for that kind of relationship.

I guess that's why I'm very picky now. Now that I'm single, I can step back and look at people objectively. If I don't see that kind of potential, I'm not going to waste my time and energy on it. Oh GOD. Now I'm starting to sound like Mike. Fml. Seriously.

Is it so much to just ask that a guy genuinely care and show that he does? I'm sick of feeling like everyone's personal joke. Like, yeah, we get it. Some guy screwed me over and left me for someone who pretended to be my friend. Tee hee! It's funny! Joke's on me! I'm over it. What bothers me is that people are still fucking talking about it. It's old, people. Move on.

Now it just feels like everyone's against me. Okay, I'm exaggerating, and on top of it, I'm probably just being a little paranoid. I know there are a few people in my life who would never do anything to intentionally hurt me, and I'm thankful for them. I just wish I could find a romantic relationship like that too, where I knew I could actually put my trust in that person.

I want the kind of guy who does completely stupid guy-like things and irritates the crap out of me sometimes, but then does something incredibly cute that he reminds me why I care about him. A guy who calls me or leaves me a message just because he was thinking about me and missed me. A guy who feels himself in just a t-shirt and a pair of beat up jeans, who may not have a dime to his name but will sure as hell walk across town to see me if he had to. Hell, if my dad could do it for my mom, some guy can do it for me too. I could care less if we bicker to no end, as long as at the end of the day, he can still give me a big hug and tell me he loves me all the same and nothing will change that. More than anything, I want a guy who knows what he wants and won't say or do things just to please me. Be REAL and be YOU. If it means we fight, then we fight. Stand your ground with me and I'll love you. ♥

The funny thing is that no matter how much that kind of relationship is what I want most, I'm not doing anything about it. Could I? Yeah. Is it worth dealing with? Not at this point. What's the point in asking out some random guys that I'm really not all that into? Admittedly, they're nice guys, we have common interests, they're attractive, and we might be compatible. But I guess they just don't put that same little spark in me that I felt before.

I seriously can't stand this kid anymore. Alright, I know he's a few years older than me, but I'm going to call him a kid, because that's just how I roll. I was finally accepting that he doesn't give a fuck, and was dealing with it, not thinking about him on a daily basis anymore, etc. Now I'm over-analyzing things again.

Somehow, despite the "I can't stand him" thing, I saw it as "Wow, for once, a guy is kind of defending my honor", something none of my past boyfriends really did. >.>; So I got to thinking "Isn't that something you do when you care about someone?" My heart feels so foreign to the concept of caring anymore. xD

Then those STUPID feelings came back. How is it I can spend weeks, even MONTHS trying to bury them, and they just come back up with ONE simple comment?! >.< Feelings are stupid. Out of nowhere, I had butterflies in my stomach, my heart squeezed like a fucking sponge, I had goosebumps and shivers, and a little spark was put back in me. Why him?! Is this God's idea of a joke? Because honestly, that's the only conclusion I can come to. o__o Those two words seem to be resounding in my mind. Why... him... Fuck this intuitive crap. It's really starting to piss me off.

Thinking about the possibility makes me feel a bit more like my old self, which is a nice break from the bitter realist I've been lately, but still. It's probably just false hope. Uh oh, my realist is showing again. ;D

I wish he'd just call me. Say hey. Ask how my day is going. Suggest that we just hang out or something. I'm not initiating anymore. I've tried striking up conversation, asking him to hang out. I've done my part, I've showed my interest. It's not my turn anymore. It's like a game. You can't play chess on your own. He says he doesn't play the emotions game. Well, I hate to say it, but life is one big game. It's just a matter of enjoying it, and winning it in your own sense.

I'm just waiting for checkmate. One of us is going down. At this rate, it looks like it's going to be me. The funny part? I won't be the loser. I guess in this case, to win is to lose, and to lose is to win. You can't gain anything without letting your guard down and taking a chance. If you keep up your walls, you're just going to lose. This entire paragraph has been what happens when my brain shuts off and I just keep babble-typing.

Then again, it's hard to think coherently when I have Hatebreed screaming "destory everything!!!!" in my ear. *shrug*

Well, this journal entry has served its purpose. I'm a lot more chill now that I've ranted, so all is good. Alright, all isn't good, but it's a start.

I'm tired, and I have a ton of crap to do before leaving town tomorrow. I'm going to go take a nap. Yes, a nap, because I'm going to wake up at 5 AM and get back to work on this shit I need to do. Here's hoping that this guy can eventually grow up and quit being such a fucking toolbag. I'm not getting my hopes up, but you never know.

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