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arrivistemerkaba (profile) wrote,
on 5-10-2011 at 12:58am
Current mood: bitchy
Subject: A small addmittion of guilt.
My wisdom tooth extraction went okay, I'm just in mind numbing pain.

You would think that this would cause people to be slightly nice to me? Oh don't be silly, it's the best time to kick a Nee- when she's down and sobbing already.

It's never going to be enough. Joe's shown me that it will never be enough. "Don't worry about what I'm doing" yeah I've heard that before. A couple times actually. Just make sure to get tested big guy, not everyone is as loyal as a Nee. Not everyone makes sure she is healthy before letting someone stick it in.

I don't even know why I am so angry. I guess it's just TIME for it. I've let everyone else be mad at me, I've let everyone else kick me in the stomach everytime they feel insecure or drunk or high. I'm tired of it. People LIKED me when I was mad all the time and didn't take any prisoners. I didn't want to be that way again but it's clear that it'll be the only way I can survive this bullshit.

Ohhh and it is bullshit.

When I get done with all of this shit with doctors I'm going to look into nice apartment downtown. A one bedroom one bath little slice of shit that I can shove my things into while I go find something fun to do each night. I'm too sick to sit around each night. If I'm going to keel over I might as well do it with a bang.

The WORST part of this is that I miss him. I GENUINELY miss that jerk. When I sleep I see him, and I'm swimming in my painkillers I can't imagine anyone else. I love Joe with all of my heart, but it's never going to be enough for him.

He doesn't believe that he can change, so he won't believe that I CAN change. Promises mean NOTHING to him when he won't even give me the fucking chance. I am so tired. I am tired of being in love.

I am tired of wanting to trust.
Just so tired.

No, I was wrong. The worst part is that in 15 minutes I will regret this fucking heart to heart post because all I ever want is to make him happy.
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