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|oceanchild (profile) wrote, |
on 8-10-2011 at 9:23am
I am extremely sad to report that Nathan and I ended our relationship last night.
He wasn't happy any longer, I felt that I couldn't be what he needed, and we both have just been in long-distance stasis for the past two years, neither of us moving forward because of the other. We both have baggage to work through, and plans to pursue, and as heartbreaking as it is to admit, we were only getting in each other's way.
We walked up into Wildcat Canyon to talk and sat on a trampled patch of long, dry grass. I told him I thought we should end it, and he talked me out of it. Then he changed his mind, and I talked him out of it. Hours and many iterations later, we ended up in my truck, parked by the side of the road a block from his house. He finally said that what he needed was for it to be over, and I can't begrudge him that. I said that what I needed was reassurance that someday we would see each other and talk again, and he assured me that we would remain friends, after we've had some time to heal.
We kissed one last time, shook hands, and said goodbye. I watched until he disappeared around the corner before I started my truck again and left.
I am well and truly heartbroken, but I'm trying to take things a day at a time, concentrating only on the present moment. Nathan and I were together for five and a half years. He was my first boyfriend, my first love, my first lover. I deeply and honestly believed that he would be the only one, and right now it's difficult for me to imagine ever finding another his like. He has made me happier and more self-confident than anyone in my life ever has, and the person I am now is so exponentially better than the person I was when I met him, I would never have believed the change possible. I owe him a great deal of credit for that...it might never have happened without his support and his humor and his unconditional, unwavering love.
I know I need to concentrate on myself now, and figure out how to be single and self-reliant, but everything I see and do reminds me of him, and the pain of that reminder is constant and overwhelming. I fear that this will be a long, slow journey.