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oceanchild (profile) wrote,
on 10-3-2011 at 12:28am
Subject: Emo totoro
Nathan reads my LJ, so although I do tend to use it more, this is the only place I feel I can be completely candid. I may begin writing here more often again.

Singlehood isn't getting any easier. Rather the opposite, actually. Each day is more difficult than the last. It doesn't help that he seems to be moving on just fine. A friend of mine made me promise not to look at his LJ or his Facebook anymore, because I'm just torturing myself with the wondering.

Depression is a difficult enemy and it's really got me by the metaphorical balls. All I want to do is sleep, but once I get in bed my mind races and I toss and turn and wake up still just as tired as before. I don't eat unless food is handed to me, and sometimes even then I have trouble stomaching it. Every morning I have to talk myself out of calling in sick to work. I can't concentrate on anything, I don't want to leave the house, I haven't listened to the radio in months. Everything seems relatively pointless.

The frustrating thing is that I think I'm doing the right things, and I'm just not feeling any better. I go to bed on time. I see friends often. I keep up with hobbies I enjoy, even if they're not feeling particularly rewarding at the moment. I honor my commitments and continue doggedly going to work and rehearsals. I set myself goals and plan for the future. I'm making an real effort to take care of myself and avoid isolation and paralysis. But it's not working!

Last week, as an exercise in perspective, I tried to make a list of good things about being single. But I only came up with seven, and they were all variations on the same thing, and it wasn't compelling. So I tried instead to make a list of good things about being alive. That list was significantly longer, but it didn't make me feel better like I'd hoped it would. None of these things make me happy anymore. The best I've been doing is less sad. Which, to be fair, is better than nothing.

It scares me to think that these feelings of hopelessness and futility might not go away. It scares me even more to realize that sometimes I honestly feel I don't have anything more to look forward to in life. I've been depressed before, but I've never been frightened by it. This is the worst it's ever been.

I do want to make it clear that, although I am currently feeling like the scum of the earth, I have no intention to harm myself in any way. I'm just not happy anymore, and sometimes I have trouble believing that will ever change.
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