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mintbones (profile) wrote,
on 7-9-2012 at 1:22pm
My little brother, babbling his head off about video games the moment he spots me, just to make conversation because he doesn't know what else I like.

How would he, or the rest of my family, feel if they knew I don't really love him?

But if they knew... If they knew what is in my heart. If they knew that if one day he had just never been in my life at all, if he just never existed, I wouldn't be any worse off.
I can't say I wouldn't miss him if he died, because I have my own emotional instability [thanks in large part to said parents] and I miss literally every living and nonliving thing that stops being a part of my life. But if he just suddenly disappeared from my timeline... I wouldn't be sad.

I don't know what's wrong with me. Maybe nothing. But aren't you supposed to love your family? Aren't they the most important thing in your life?

People gripe about how much of a nuisance their siblings are all the time. But they always make sure to end the complaint with a light hearted, earnest "But in the end I love them so much".
I relate with the first half of their gripe, but only sort of smile and distantly nod to the second.
I just... don't love him. I don't care about him. He has nothing of interest to me. He is a dumb little kid. A ten year old with nothing to say about anything except what he has parroted from people and media around him. Like 99% of all ten-year-olds.
He is gone for two weeks at a time and the only thing I feel when he comes around every other weekend is a slight annoyance. He isn't dreadfully obnoxious anymore, but being asked about pokemon every single time I cross his path gets pretty old, especially when I give the same answer every time. It just doesn't seem to sink into his dense little brain that I don't want to talk.
Why would I want to talk? Other than to humor him, which is a gift I very rarely give people... usually it seems a bit dishonorable, to pretend to enjoy someone's dim-witted company. He has nothing to say. All he does is imitating of some youtube gamer he watches or some friend of his he thinks is cool. He does the same thing whether I'm in the room or he's alone; he just does it at me when I show up.
He's a kid. I don't begrudge him that. I just literally have no interest in his self-centered world.
I have my own self-centered world to get back to.
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