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chuchitaaa (profile) wrote,
on 9-14-2012 at 9:22pm
Current mood: thinking
Music: boys 2 men - on bended knee.
Subject: nightmare ish.
last night i had a dream.. felt pretty real. woke up really mad at my husband. in my dream, me and my husband were.. of course married. in my dream ... we ran into his babymomma & she was 4 months pregnant. she then confronted him [ in front of me ] and stated that she's been trying to tell him that she was pregnant and would be having his... i think it was daughter. of course i was outraged. i hit him... and then i did the math and 4 months ago would be the month in which we got back together. meaning he had cheated on me - and impregnated his ex-girlfriend. we fought , i screamed. she was arguing with him - telling him that he should have told her that he was talking to or dating some one before he slept with her. some more stuff happened but i can't remember. and then, all of a sudden we were home.. and i was arguing with him in front of my roommate, one of my best friends - kaitlin. while this is going on kaitlin begins to get upset and yells at him because he slept with her too. i start yelling at kaitlin - stating that she's my best friend and knew how much he meant to me and should never have slept with him. she says that it's in the past and i should just let it go. i tell her "it's in the past but to me , it just happened." we argue some more and then... i wake up. i roll over i look at my husband.. mad. and then i realize it was a dream & get ready for work.

*music change: ashanti - only you*

- this dream occurred last night.. before bed i was upset as i was watching my husband play games with his amazing son. i was upset because i remembered back then, when he wanted to be with me & i said "no" to be childish. - he then got her pregnant & here we are. i am 22 years old ; and i might not be able to ever have a child & the one time i could have possibly had a child with the man of my dreams.. i end up turning him down and spending 4 years of my life with the man of my nightmares. and yet, here i sit on my computer... typing about shoulda, coulda, woulda... moments.

*music change: john legend- ordinary people* putting on repeat

i vented to my husband about it today. the fact that i am envious of him.. because he has a child and i don't. how i am envious and threatened by the mother of his child because she has the child we could have had. and that i may never be able to have is child & she does... he tried to be as sweet as possible and asked me to elaborate about my feelings.. i didn't know how else to put it into words. so he said "if you can't explain it's time for tough love, i love you ; i married you ; my son is not a mistake but he was not planned.. when we have our child they will be planned. we will have our child someday... get over it" sof [smileonface] that is the reason i love him. his playful nature. the way that he can take me from being completely upset to smiling. he just... makes my world spin; as cliche as that sounds.

i wish i could explain how i feel. like in depth... so he could understand. to him he thinks - we will have our baby and it doesn't matter.. everything happens for a reason and blah blah blah... he doesn't realize that i might not have the option to have kids & that it hurts me every day. i cry about it all the time and i pray about it just as often. he thinks that if it's meant it'll happen . and i get that.. but - what if it's not meant... then i won't ever have children?! and i'm supposed to accept that? what if i can't? it's easier for him- because; it doesn't matter if he has more kids or not.. but ; to me it's the most important thing ever.

;--* idk what else to say ... i mean if anyone by chance happens to come across this and read it... maybe you have some advice - some nice words to help me get through it. because, this is not the first time i've tried to express this to him.. maybe some one can help me say it - some one who can help me put into words exactly how i feel so he can get where i am coming from.. idk maybe i don't even know where i'm coming from. maybe i'm being petty or childish. maybe i'm just feeling this way because i want a baby.. idk* i wish some one could help me. maybe i should see a therapist or something? i wonder if i could even begin to afford one. i wish i knew one... i guess for now you guys are my therapists... even though - no one reads this. you a my vent-a-lator. well ventalator. goodbye for now.
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