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|srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote, |
on 9-8-2013 at 10:07pm
|Subject: seeing through a finite lense.
|Now that I have time for a real update, I'll get right to it.
My therapist won't believe me but I think I have a mood disorder of sorts. Or maybe it's just the normal flow of my hormones, I don't know. All I know is that when my time of the month comes around, I all of a sudden feel like time slowed down for me and I can watch the wings of a hummingbird flutter. I feel like I am honed in on everything, it all of a sudden becomes so crystal clear, who I want to be, what I want to do. It's at this point that I start jumping into grandiose self-projects. Screaming to myself, "I can be better!! I can do it this time!" I start tackling large goals and tasks and feel like I'm riding high, only to come tumbling down a week later. The tumble never gets any softer or any easier, it's just as hard and debilitating as the last one.
Sometimes I wish I could keep these feelings of grandeur forever. I love feeling like I'm on top of the world, I love feeling like I can conquer all that is set in front of me. If you asked me to run with the bulls right now or scuba dive with sharks, I'd probably say yes.
Every part of me wants the thrill, the change, the holy grail that I seek. That perfect person. When I'm in this mind-set, I only see perfection. If things aren't perfect, I don't stop until they are.
I am always running after this person that I want to be, constantly moving and not enjoying where I am at right now, in this moment. Every month around this time, I'd always go through my wardrobe, go on a shopping spree and find the look that suits the new me, the me that I will become if you just give me time. The me that only works for a month and then decides it's time to shed that skin and move onto another me. Sometimes I feel like I'm a chameleon, always changing, always blending.
I want to put a stop to this. I don't want to always feel like I need to shed my skin every month. I want to be able to look at myself in the mirror and say this is me right now and I am happy. I am content.
I want to stop chasing perfection because I feel like I'll never find it. I feel like it's a ghost, a whisper that likes to tease me. Haunting me, only giving me fleeting tastes, leaving me wanting more and more.
I don't want that anymore. I want to stop running towards it. I want to run towards peace and contentedness. I want to run because I love it. Not because I'm seeking a perfect body or a perfect mindset or a perfect solution.
I want freedom.