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srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote,
on 9-15-2013 at 2:06pm
Subject: perfectionism.
Last week, I had a breakdown in my therapists office. Granted that's what she's there for but I had managed to hit rock bottom again. After a few months of flying high with my new job, finishing my master's certificate at school, being on the upswing of running/training, I just lost it. I've been slowly loosing control of myself and who I want to be. I've just been giving into the world and what it wants for me, not what I want for myself. The world is an unforgiving place sometimes, I hold myself to higher standards than the world does. I hold myself to almost perfection while the world says no, it's okay to slip up and keep slipping up. I understand that we're human ans so we're going to make mistakes and that's part of who we are but shouldn't we be trying to better ourselves instead of constantly letting ourselves slip further and further from our true selves? That's what I believe anyway, I believe in the constant bettering of the human race, myself included.
So even though the world says it's okay to fill your life with possessions and things, I want to fill my life with love and relationships and good food. I want to not feel like I need to keep with the Jones like the world tells me too. Hey, that girl in yoga class has the newest Lululemon top! That means I need to get one too! No, it does not. I am perfectly fine in my two month old Lululemon sports bra. Part of it is insecurity, part of it is not wanting to feel deprived of anything, part of it is that I feel like I deserve nice things, there are multiple parts to it but they're all just excuses. Excuses to fill a void, to sweep a problem under the rug that needs to be addressed. I am $9,5000 in credit card debt, most of that is from clothes. Which is quite sad considering I don't even have half of those clothes anymore because I get bored with them and want new ones and keep going and going. It's an ugly cycle but I'm trying to break it this time.
I am trying to tell myself that when I'm out running and see the girl with the matching fancy tops and shoes, I tell myself I'm just as good as she is because I'm out there running just as hard as she is and with just as much drive. Even though my tops and bottoms may not match exactly or my shorts may be my old Nikes that I refuse to get rid of. My passion for the sport is still the same and that's the important part. My passion, my love for life, not what I'm wearing, I don't even remember what I wore last Monday but I remember what I did, who I met, what made a difference in my life.
That's what I need to keep telling myself, the clothes, they break, they fade, they don't always last but the moments do. The relationships I make do. The experiences I have, they last. As long as I look clean and put together, it shouldn't matter if my clothes come from Lululemon or eBay. None of it should matter.
I need to find another way to fill the void.
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