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srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote,
on 1-5-2014 at 7:57pm
Subject: look at the stars.
I love days like these, where everything falls into place. My mind is at ease, I am productive but not overly so, it all just ebbs and flows. Rises and falls.
One thing I am going to work on over the next few months is sacrifice. I don't think I grasp the concept of true sacrifice. A friend of mine who is an amazing runner told me that was his secret to achieving his BQ. Sacrifice.
To me, the word sounds dirty, tainted. I'm not sure why but every time it's whispered to me in my head, I cringe.
Part of me thinks it's because I already sacrificed almost everything to be where I'm at right now. Leaving behind friends and family in pursuit of a dream. Cheesy, I know but that's how it happened and how it is currently happening.
My head is screaming and being angry that I want to give up more because it feels like I've given up so much already. But my heart is saying just go a little further, sacrifice a little more and in the end you will be thankful.
Ebb and flow.
Flow and ebb.

I'm afraid of it. How do I know when I've sacrificed too much and let it all go? I don't want to be bitter in the end and have done it all for nothing. It's never for nothing though right?
Journey. Mountain climb.

I did that once. Climbed a mountain. The whole thing. From sea-level up. I think we ended up at 17000ft. There was a lot of learning that went on that trip. I wish I could go do it again, with all the knowledge I have now. The bravery.
I remember being so scared when we had to practice going down a glacier and using our ice picks to stop ourselves. I cried and cried until they told me I didn't have to do it. I remember having to cross a glacier and all I could do was look across and cry. Funny thing is, I ended up going back and forth across it twice. In the end, I turned out okay. We made it up and back down in one piece.

I feel like I'm reaching a new mountain now. And when I look up it's frightening. And in order to even start climbing that mountain I'm going to have to offer up a small sacrifice. A piece of myself, of my life that will no longer be of service. Because the journey up a mountain is treacherous and you are only able to take with you what you need. Not what you want. Not what you think you can't live without. But the bare necessities.

I only need me. And some people to give me push when I look at the glacier and start to cry. But in the end, no amount of spiffy workout clothes, fancy foods or technological tools is going to get you up that mountain. All you need is a compass and some guts.
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