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srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote,
on 1-7-2014 at 8:13pm
Subject: round and round.
I think one of my new goals for 2014 is to write multiple times a week. It's something that I would enjoy becoming better at. I've always found words beautiful and have always wanted to express myself with them. It's never been something that I've been talented at, I can write a wordy thesis, or a cold-facts research paper but I've never been able to eloquently express my feelings.

Helpless
Helplessness: that dull, sick feeling of not being the one at
the reins. When did you last feel like that - and what did
you do about it?

Helplessness. That word to me sounds pathetic, weak, overused.
When did I last feel helpless?
Over the Christmas holiday. I felt helpless around my family, watching it all fall apart at the seams. Honestly, I felt the worst because Christmas and the whole vacation hadn't lived up to my picture perfect expectations. Whenever I go home, I fill myself with giddy-child like hope that this year will be the magic Christmas where everything falls into place. We all offer enveloping hugs and warm greetings, there's the smell of fresh pine in the air, candles flickering in the fireplace, home. But every year it's the same old story, there are sharp words exchanged, tears shed, voices raised and the child inside me dies a little.
I felt helpless with it because I didn't feel like I could change it. My inner child went and sat in a corner and pouted because she didn't get the tree, the lights, the wrapped gifts. My grown up self brushed it off with a shrug and a "Yeah, it's cool."
The power to fix it isn't solely mine and mine alone, I have to relinquish it to my other family members. Each of us has a piece of the puzzle that's important and without it, the puzzle can't be complete. You can look at the puzzle with it's little missing pieces and say "Meh, looks good enough, I can see the big picture." Sometimes though, the big picture isn't what counts as much as the small details. There are holes in our puzzle and I don't have the missing pieces anymore, I filled them all in.
That only answers the first half of the question though, when did I feel helpless. The second part, what did I do about it? Want to know the truth? Not an absolute gosh-damn thing. I could have turned that house upside and backwards, gone through pockets, under the couch, behind the bookshelves, I wouldn't have found those lost pieces. I usually think doing nothing is the cowards way out but in this case, there is more bravery in letting go. As I said, my family members need to find their own pieces of the puzzle and put them back. Maybe one day, just maybe when that occurs, we can finally have the Christmas the child inside me so desperately wants.
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