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srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote,
on 1-19-2014 at 6:39pm
Subject: i feel the love.
Describe your last attempt to learn something that did not
come easily to you.

Ha. That's all I can say to that prompt, ha. Only because that is my current state of affairs.

I am trying to learn peace and balance. It is a constant every day struggle. Recently, a friend and I were discussing loneliness and how more often than not I just want to talk to someone. It gets hard to stay in my own head. There is company up there, company I don't want half the time. It comes in the form of degrading voices. Cannots. Not good enoughs.
I make a point to always run from it because that's all I know how to do. Run.
Instead of running, I am trying to learn how to sit and let the voice speak but not listen. It's as if I'm looking at that part of myself, shrugging and saying okay.
Who knew that one word would have so much power? When I finally am able to look at myself and say "okay", it's like the glass room around me shatters and the darkness is gone. Left is rolling green hills, blue skies and sunshine.

Along the same lines, I'm also learning how to not get upset with myself when I go through these dark valleys. In my head, I expect perfection, I expect happiness 24/7/365 and there needs to be the realization that as a human being that is not even remotely possible.

I have to let go of my perfection. That is what I am currently trying to learn and it's not coming easily at all. It's like pushing against everything that I am. It's a waste of energy I think, energy that could be put to better use doing other things. Such as taking better care of myself, physically. Doing activities that I enjoy, or putting it aside so I have the mental energy when I really need it most.

In order for this half-marathon training cycle to go well, I need to let go of my perfection and let myself be a human being. Flaws and all. I think that's what has been holding me back for the past few years, I've gotten wrapped up in the idea of a perfect race, a perfect training cycle, a perfect world, where everything goes my way and I need to learn to just let it go.

let it all go.
just give in to the universe.
free fall.

spread your wings.
give it a try
whispers your heart.

open skies
boundless above
eternal below.

wild and free.
be you.

these wings belong to no one
no one else.

sun smiles, winds whisper.
we won't let you fall.
fall too far.
into the soft grass below.

catch me i whisper.
guide me.
let me fly.
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