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srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote,
on 2-10-2014 at 8:59am
Subject: madness.
I feel as if the fire inside me has gone out, not like someone dumped water on it out just burned out and died. How it happens when you leave a campfire before you go to sleep, slowly watching the glowing embers fade into black.
That's how it feels inside my heart. It feels black, dark and all enveloping. Not how I want to feel in my early-20's to be quite honest.
I had somewhat of a mental breakdown yesterday. I haven't been that depressed in a long time. The day before, I had a great run and had hoped that would have elevated my mood throughout the weekend, especially from Saturday on. But I should have known that something was amiss when after I came home from my run on Saturday, all I wanted to do was curl up on the couch and ignore the rest of the world. I should have paid attention and taken better care of myself but I just ignored it. Which is what I have a tendency to do, ignore myself.
Then Sunday came and it was all I could do to get up. I got up showered, and then ate tons of terrible food for me. I was falling back into old habits and that should have been my warning. Sirens should have been going off going "weeoooh weeoooh!"
They probably actually were going off but I once again just brushed them under the rug. Cause that's what I do when I don't want to face things, just brush them under the rug.
After I took another shower, I lied on my bathroom floor. Unable to motivate myself to get up. I just lied there. I was trying so hard to do everything that makes me happy. Bake. Sing. Dance. Watch my favorite Disney movies. Watch Tomb Raider. Talk to an old friend.
And none of it worked.
I was pissed that I kept trying but it wasn't working.
I finally had enough and texted one of my friends who had recently opened up about her struggle with depression. She then invited me over for dinner and to snuggle with all her animals.
She didn't try to tell me to think a happy thought. She didn't tell me to do something I enjoy. She understood. I wasn't looking for someone to tell me what to do. Cause I know what to do and sometimes it just doesn't work.
I decided maybe I'd try to clean up again, I'd tried a lot earlier and it was a huge mess of fail. So as I was vacuuming, I broke. I just stood there holding the hose in my hand and started to cry. And cry. And cry.
I couldn't stop.
But it felt so good.
It was something I needed.
I didn't need to be happy, I just needed to let it go in that moment.
She's the one friend I have that doesn't make everything look sunshine and roses all the time. Because it's not.
I have been depressed for most of my young adult life. I remember it starting in my early teens and it hasn't fully gone away. It will come and go, ebb and flow, sometimes with reason, sometimes without.

I get so tired of people saying "Just think a happy thought, or do something you love."
Sometimes that doesn't work.
Honestly, when I'm depressed, it takes all my will power to get up and go pee for fucks sake. So do you really think I have will power left over to use on happy thoughts?
Nope. Not really.

It's real. It's a biochemical imbalance in my head. If I could honestly will myself out of it every time, I wouldn't really have much of a problem would I?

But in all truth, I feel like a fog has finally lifted from my head and my heart. I feel like I understand myself a little more and I can love myself a little more. I am getting inspired, I don't feel so dull and lifeless anymore. That's the worst feeling.
It honestly felt like there was a dementor sucking away my soul. I felt passionless, lifeless and just blah.
And no, it's not the winter blues! Because I get like this in summer too. We can try and blame every circumstance but the truth of the matter is it's something beyond our own control.

And I finally have a friend who gets that.
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