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srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote,
on 2-16-2014 at 6:52pm
Subject: closer to love.
Sometimes I can't tell if I purposely make myself feel depressed out of habit. It feels that way but if that were the case, I would be able to pull myself up out of the mess or so I would assume. This morning I woke up and out of habit made a coffee-cake, while half awake. Because I wanted to eat, not go on the run that I had scheduled. And well since I was baking, I obviously had to make a point to watch Cake Boss: Next Great Baker. I spent too much scouring the internet for it until I found it. I made my coffee cake, ate a piece, thought hmm, this is good. And another, then another. And my stomach was like pump the brakes, I'm full! And brain said, nope.
This whole scenario continued for awhile, until I honestly felt so sick to my stomach that all I did was take a nap.
I then woke up and thought to myself, what the hell am I doing? This is a bad habit. Making coffee-cake while half awake is pointless, I enjoy the actual baking process so why take that away?

I figured out what happened. My brain was only trying to protect me. I was exhausted so it went on automatic pilot to give itself a break. Old habits surfaced and thankfully I recognized them. Pretty sure that's half the battle, recognizing.
So I decided I would try to take care of myself and salvage a piece of my day because that's what I deserve. I deserve to love myself enough to not let these bad habits rear their ugly heads.
I deserve love and care, from myself to myself.

Even though I went for a run, I still wasn't feeling out of my slump. I didn't want to go grocery shopping, like really didn't. But on my whole run all I could keep telling myself was that I deserve to take care of myself. I deserve to eat fresh vegetables and fruit. I deserve to love myself enough to nourish my body.
I got my bum out the door and went to the store. Can I just say that listening to music while shopping is calming? You're in your own world, with time slowed down watching everyone else buzz by. I got what I needed, no more, no less. And decided to have a salad at Panera after. Not because I was rewarding myself for getting out but because my body was craving a salad and I love myself enough to give myself that.
One of my friends posted a picture with cupcakes that said "I'm not a dog, I don't reward myself with food."
That's my new motto. I don't reward myself with food. I nourish my body, I show it love and if eating a tasty salad does that, then it does that. (I honestly try to cook everything at home but there's something about that Panera greek salad that is absolutely delicious.)
That didn't even lift my feelings of blah.
My feelings of blah aren't lifting. They're just there, hanging in the air. I did all these things that make me feel better expecting it to go away.
I should stop expecting and just let it be.
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