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srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote,
on 3-23-2014 at 4:25pm
Subject: in exile.
There is always this denial in my head, that my world is always more rainbows and kittens that it really is.
You're doing fine the little voice inside says.
Most of the time that is true, however, in certain circumstances, it is not.

Like today for instance. No little voice in my head. The constant thoughts of food are NOT okay.
I am NOT okay.
And instead of fighting it, I've just sat with it and said "okay."
Because sometimes I get tired and need a break. The constant battle is a struggle. An annoying one at that.
Especially in terms of food and eating.

I'm obsessed with it. I'm obsessed with getting enough fat, carbohydrates and protein. I think about food constantly and I would like to be able to think about other things.
According to this book that I've been reading, "Brain over binge" binge eating disorder isn't always due to emotional trauma or other issues, it is just a survival habit. It's the brains way of saying "Hey, you're not giving me enough food, let me eat all of this so I have something stored away when you deprive me again."
And the deprivation happens when there's a binge, so hence why the binge happens.
And it keeps going, in an ugly cycle.

Human beings are amazing creatures, we are built with this hard-wiring to survive and evolve. And our inner most primordial self has multiple ways of making sure this is always a possibility.
When my finances become troublesome, that's when I've noticed I binge the most. I don't think because I'm stressed out about it because I have money to pay the bills but I get anxious I won't have enough to eat.
Funny thing is, I will have enough, I just have to outsmart my brain and make it believe that by being more careful about my choices so I get the most bang for my buck so to speak.

I think one of my major faults as a human being is gluttony. If I had to choose one of the seven deadly sins to work on, gluttony would be it.
I am NEVER content with what I have, I am always wanting more or wanting a change.
I have a hard time just being.
I spend too much money on clothes, eat too much food, I am entitled to too much.
One of my friends was joking with me the other day when I said the running shoes I get cost $175 and he told me I'm high maintenance. But I realized it's true. I am high maintenance.
I love getting my hair done at the salon, even though it's way out of my budget.
I love buying expensive clothes, even though I could buy almost the same thing for a fraction of the price.

Part of me thinks it stems from not having a lot as a kid. Well, I had a lot but it was never what the popular kids had. I wanted the North Face jackets, the designer pants, the cute exercise tops.

And here I am wanting to get out of debt but I refuse to make sacrifices. That's my largest problem.


I am standing in my own way. I seriously have got to stop that.
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