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srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote,
on 4-20-2014 at 5:42pm
Subject: introspective.
Everyday I figure myself out a little more and am able flow with the current of life with a little more ease. It's like learning how to sail, or kayak. Or maybe even rally racing. You get used to the directions, the maneuvers, what works and what doesn't work. You realize there may be rocks in the road, or a steady headwind that isn't letting up but you keep learning, leveling up so when that obstacle presents itself next time, you're ready.

That's how I've been feeling the past few weeks. It's been difficult but I feel like I'm finally starting to understand where I'm coming from and where I'm going. There are things in this life I can control and there are things that I cannot. Being able to tell myself there is an aspect of my life I can control has given me a sense of peace. I have noticed a huge decrease in my anxiety over the past few weeks. Not because I've been ignoring it or controlling it but because I've been welcoming it and saying "Okay. You're here but I don't have to act on you."
Thoughts are just thoughts and don't become actions until we make them so.

I have a tendency to zone out of my life because I don't have the energy to cope or sometimes even the skills. So I watch a lot of TV, eat a lot of food and do a whole lot of nothing. Which some days is alright but other days, not how I'd like to spend my day yet I do it anyway because I don't feel like I can get my shit together enough to do anything else.

I've been training for a triathlon, trying to anyway and today I had "Duathlon Sunday" which is basically hell. 2.5km run, 20km ride then 2.5km run again.
Yeah. What?

I was definitely dreading it and got up this morning with the attitude of don't wanna. Don't even want to try. So I fell back into my old habit of watching TV and eating copious amounts of cereal. Until around 10 I decided to get off my butt and do the dishes because that was at least somewhat productive. I kept telling myself, I'll go do my duathlon after I've cleaned my apartment.

I looked at the sink full of soapy water and dishes and thought to myself "I have a choice, if I want to change, I have to make the choice."

So I let those dishes sit there and threw on my running clothes and set off on my adventure.

Don't get me wrong, parts of it were miserable. Like the last run. My legs felt like jelly. And it was hot out and I was tired and didn't feel so good.

But I made the choice. I got it done.

My friend is running Boston tomorrow. I've wanted to run Boston ever since I first started running. It's a lofty goal considering my fastest marathon is a 5:08 and I'd need a 3:35 to qualify. But I was thinking about it and him and how hard he's worked to get to this point and I realized something.
He made a choice. He made a series of choices that lead him to this point in his life.

I always felt I was powerless and unable to make my own choices and decisions. I'd always tell myself "Well, your depression is due to a chemical imbalance in your brain and you're stuck with it." Even though I may be stuck with it, I can make conscious choices to make it easier to deal with. I don't have to make myself suffer. I don't have to be the victim of myself.

I can make choices. I can make the choice to keep up on my chores, to get organized, to workout, to accept thoughts as thoughts and not put too much stake into them, to be myself, to be free.

I can choose.
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