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srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote,
on 5-7-2014 at 4:12pm
Subject: i think i need a taco.
Because the only things I've eaten within the past 24 hours have been a banana, a pancake, a cup of applesauce and 2 chai tea lattes. A taco sounds delicious. Mmmh.. tacos.

Now we're going to completely forget about my need for a taco and focus on all the stuff swirling around in my brain. There's just too much so this is a random purge and fair warning, it might go from one thought to another. Like how sometimes you have to fly further from your destination to actually get to your destination? Eventually you always end up getting there but it takes longer and most of the time it's more confusing. Well this entry will be exactly like that. Except at the end there isn't some fun tropical destination waiting, there's just a period. Or possibly an exclamation point. Or maybe some wise tidbit of information that will show how old my brain really thinks it is. You'll know the end when you see it.

This week is only half over and it has been the most frustrating week of my life. My friend replied to a text I sent with the following.
"You're having a rough week kiddo."

Yes. YES I AM! Thank you for noticing.

Let's list the reasons why I'm having a tough week. Ready?

1. PGH Half marathon Sunday, had to take a DNF (Did not finish)
2. Mom and I got into a tiff before she left Monday.
3. Got sick Tuesday, powered through work.
4. Got even MORE sick end of Tuesday and had to take Wednesday off.

I guess today is only Wednesday so that's where we're at. I'm sitting in my sweats, refusing to brush my hair or wear a bra because I feel like absolute shit. Well, I feel better than I did earlier. Less more like I got run over by a mac-truck, more like run over by a smart car.

The race on Sunday was an eye-opener for me. At mile 2 I was already struggling to rally my brain to get with the program. Then around mile 4 I sort of got with the program then crashed at mile 6 again and then managed to mile 8 before I waved the white flag. My foot hurt, my calf on the opposite side hurt, I was annoyed, grouchy, the crowd wasn't pumping me up, my brain was just like #*%!_+$(%*!. It was saying "Fuck you" over and over. And I listened and gave in!
Can't win every battle every time. Have to loose some.
I was still ashamed I couldn't finish and didn't stick around the post-race at all. I honestly didn't care about how my friends did, selfish I know. Being wrapped up in one's own head does that.
I had two friends that ended up finishing close to what I had wanted to finish, sometimes I wonder if I would have gutted it out if we had all paced together instead of them taking off. Part of me says I would have but then would have injured myself even further.
It all happens for a reason right?

I feel like taking a detour...

Lately, I've been feeling left out? I don't know if that's the proper term but we'll go with it anyway. Making friends has always been a challenge for me, I'd rather have a few close friends, like less than 10 than a whole bunch of semi-close friends. Deep conversations are more important to me than going out and socializing. Always have been, probably will always be.
Do you ever feel like the friendships don't always match? That's the best way I can describe it. It's complicated and confusing and the chances that this is only my insecurities talking are great but it's been bothering me none the less.
Some people I consider my best friends but I'm not sure they see me the same way?
I've had friends like this in the past and I've just ended up getting burned.
Frankly, I think I'm reading too much into it and I just need to let it be for awhile. Be a better friend.

Swirly thought sickness is taking over again. Being sick sucks. The train left the station and took my thoughts with it.
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