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srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote,
on 6-14-2014 at 10:02am
Subject: It's all fun and games...
Sometimes I feel like I'm stuck in an infinite loop.

I keep doing the same things over and over, the same way. I keep telling myself it's human, I mess up, it's true.
But isn't the point to learn from your mistakes and stop messing up so often?
Isn't that it?

I've been on medication for almost a month. And I'm not seeing the change I expected. I did at first but that's dying away.
Which is making something clear to me... it's not just my depression causing the issues. It's the behavior that goes along with it.
If you're used to being a certain way for a long, long time, it takes time to get used to being different. And it's uncomfortable. Very uncomfortable. So you fall into the same habits that make you feel safe because that's what you know.
Which is stupid.

I have a new lease on life pretty much so why should I spend it acting the same way I did before?

I keep asking myself that question and I have never been able to figure out an answer.

I am standing in my own way.
I am afraid.
I am afraid of failure.
I am afraid of rejection.
I am afraid of it all.

I shouldn't be afraid.
But it's new. It's different.
I've spent my whole young adulthood being depressed and miserable. 10+ years.
It's not going to fix itself in a week. Right?

I think sometimes we need to face the hard truth within ourselves.

The nagging inside me is saying "Be better. You can be better. Fly. You have wings now."

And I'm just ignoring it.

Like I'm ignoring my true feelings for that boy.

I did just fine without him for 6 months. I did great! Now he's back in my life and I'm slipping back into old habits.
Waiting... waiting... expecting...
Because that's what I know.

For the first two weeks, we were great. It was new it was different. Then we went back to square one.

I deserve better than him. He's married and attached. I don't want kids, he has kids.
Sometimes I think our relationship is an abusive one because I can't let go. But then again my view of relationships is tainted since that's all I've seen of the world.

Can he and I still be friends and I stay arms length away?

Maybe.

I love him as a person. Just not the situation he's in. Not that I can do anything about it.
He has faults. I do too.

He wants me to come visit, part of me really really wants to. Just to know what we're like together even if just for a week. Or else I'll spend my whole life wondering what could have been.
But the other part of me knows it's not going to end well for either of us.

Stop thinking. Stop.

Just take it a day at a time. In every moment, you have a choice.
Make a choice.

Leave the matrix or stay in.
Red or blue.
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