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srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote,
on 7-12-2014 at 7:42pm
Subject: one more drink and i'll move on.
I feel like all I've done lately is whine, whine about this, that and the other thing. Maybe because this is the only place that I feel like I can freely vent and not be judged, even for the poor decisions I've made. (i.e. M, he was a poor, poor life decision, not initially but as time went on.) I don't feel like I write enough about the good that's happening in my life or the random musings I have.

It's okay though because writing about the bad and the ugly has helped me work through what's happening and figure it out.

This is how I figure things out now. I give up talking to people about it because I'll never take their advice anyway. So now I vent about it, leave it alone, go back and read it awhile later and all of a sudden it becomes clear.

Clarity, it's a good thing.

In the heat of the moment, clarity isn't present, or if it is, I choose to ignore it because I don't want to deal with it.
My conscious is very loud, it throws temper tantrums when I'm making a not so wise decision but most of the time I throw up my middle finger and say "Screw you, I'm going home." And proceed to ignore it.

Then the temper tantrums get louder, more obnoxious until they can't be ignored.
It's weird because I don't follow rules very well but if I deviate from what my conscious says, things get ugly.

This is the type of person I am... you all ready?

I don't like to hurt people, I live by the golden rule of do unto others as you'd have done unto you. And love thy neighbor as you love thy self, etc.
I am rebellious against authority, not openly rebellious but passively. If I don't like something, I'll let whoever know, subtly.
Other times though I can come right out and say it, unless it involves feelings getting hurt, then subtly it is.
I'm even rebellious against myself.
Which is counterproductive when it comes to improving myself as a human.

There's a freedom that's felt when you allow yourself to live by the code of conduct you've set for yourself.

Now that I've said goodbye to M, I feel freedom. Because everything we were went against everything I am as a person. We cheated, we lied, we hurt each other. We brought out the ugly in each other, which is sad. Over the years, we've just continued to bring out the ugly in each other.

I always told myself I was okay with what we were doing, the lying, the sneaking, the cheating, but I never really was.
It goes against who I am as a person.

I can't live like that anymore, it contradicts everything I am, everything I'm trying to be.

Hell, I don't expect perfection from myself but I expect myself to continually grow.

That is the most difficult part at the moment, accepting that I was lying to myself and that I have to forgive myself for being an asshole to myself.

For the past month, my conscious has been screaming and today it threw a temper tantrum. I heard it, loud and clear.

Maybe next time I'll be able to just listen to the screaming and maybe I'll be able to be strong enough to listen to only the whispers.

I need to stop being so afraid of hurting peoples feelings. That's the number one reason I don't do half of the things I need to do to make myself a stronger person. I don't want to hurt people!
But the truth of the matter is, people are always going to get hurt, you can't protect them, even from yourself.
And how much they let the hurt affect them is entirely up to them.

My project for the next year is to work on myself and focus on putting myself on the path towards the person I want to be.
Which means a few things...

1. Letting go of any optional relationship that is dysfunctional or which goes against my nature.

2. Building confidence and self-esteem, not letting myself be hurt as easily by words and being able to speak my mind without fear.

3. Taking care of myself, physically, mentally and spiritually. Cooking myself healthy meals, exercising regularly, preventing injuries and getting in touch with the world around me.

4. Letting go of what was, what is and what may be. Developing a detachment to the world.

5. Focusing on my gifts to the world and how I'm meant to use them. Realizing that a job is just a job to pay the bills, nothing more, nothing less.

Clarity. Enlightenment. Freedom. Meaning. Devotion. Love. Peace. Consciousness.

Those are the things I want, they are the things that align with who I am as a person.
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