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rek (profile) wrote,
on 7-17-2014 at 9:52pm
Music: fatm - what the water gave me
i'm still pretty afraid i won't make it to 28..

when i was 19 i was hoping everything was gonna be fixed, it was gonna be ok. when i was 20 and 21 i worked and i felt better and maybe i was better, i would do anything to keep from coming back to this fearful place.

but now it's almost ten years later and i'm miserable again - maybe i'm still miserable, maybe i was never happy? maybe i just had enough med residue running through my brain to stave off the complete dissatisfaction for a while.

i feel like i've run through the entirety of it. i've finished college, i've gone to therapy. i've gotten meds. i've lived with my best friends, and taken care of my favorite felines. i've traveled, i've petted tigers. i've gotten married to the only person i ever wanted to really commit to. i have a solo art show in a month and a half.
my family is moving away. my grand mother died, one who i wasn't particularly fond of. if all this happy stuff happened, and only a little bad stuff, i must be a weakling to be affected this much by the usual negative things that happen to the population.

in hind view i want to believe i was happy for a while there. maybe i was, i can't tell now seeing as i can't experience past emotions retroactively.

i am stupid, and my talent is useless and will not get me anywhere, and i will never be good enough. i ruin everything for myself, i can barely manage a 9-5 job. i probably have dysthimia which means i will make life miserable for myself and my family until i'm dead. i made stupid decisions for a long time and i'm still making stupid decisions because i'm scared and i always go the safe route. i could change my life, i could quit my job and live in an RV and just do art full time, but i know i won't. and even if i did, i know i wouldn't magically be happy because of it. my dissatisfaction from life comes from within, not from my environment.

i wish he could see. i wish he could read me and i wish he understood depression. he doesn't get emotional mental illness, just the solid ones - are you having hallucinations? yes, then let's get some help. but being sad all the time? nah. stop feeling sorry for yourself and making your own life miserable.

i'm tired of writing things eloquently in this journal.

the ocean is scary. it's deep, and you can't see the bottom. it's cold, it takes you on current. every death is lonely. every death i could have would be sad.
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