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kinkyrose1212 (profile) wrote,
on 7-29-2014 at 11:35pm
Current mood: contemplative
Why do I have such a problem being monogamous? I've told my past couple of boyfriends about the fact that I have history of cheating and sleeping around as a kind of warning. I'm fine until someone I'm attracted to comes along, which makes sense, and then it becomes something I fantasize about quite frequently. I have an amazing boyfriend who absolutely does not deserve to be treated like that, which is the only reason I haven't slept with anyone else. If it was any other guy I've dated in the past, I would have done it already and had no ill feelings about it. But he is really good to me. And yet, I find myself still wanted to have sex with other people. One theory is that people feel this way when something is lacking in the relationship, but there couldn't have been the same thing lacking from every relationship I've had and I really don't think that there would be one special person whom I wouldn't want to "step out" on. I get a rush from getting wrapped up in other people, especially when I admire them and find that they are also attracted to me. That's an awesome feeling, because I am so lucky to have someone I think is so cool think I'm pretty awesome, too. So this seems to be just who I am. I don't want to give up what I have because I love TJ and he's amazing. But can I go the entire rest of my life without ever having sex with anyone else? I don't know. Is it inevitable for me to fall in some kind of love/lust with male friends? Must I just not have male friends, or at least not hang out with them in certain settings? That's bullshit, too, but if I can't keep it in my pants, I suppose that's the only way to go. The main problem being that, while I don't want to hurt or lose TJ, I still don't WANT to keep it in my pants. I try so hard to be good but last week there was a situation and since then, for some unimaginable reason, the phrase "unfinished business" keeps flashing through my mind and I keep trying to tell myself to shut up, but it's quite an interesting debate when you are trying to talk yourself out of something while at the same time hoping you'll give in to it. And it would also be nice if it didn't happen. Because I'd like to be able to hang out, go places, do things, things I imagine "normal" friends do together. Whether it's possible or not, I don't know, but I'd like to find out. What I am most worried about is when TJ is away at basic training for three months. How fucked up would it be for me to cheat on him then? Incredibly, worse than if he was here and not using my memory to carry him through bootcamp. But that doesn't mean I wouldn't let emotion get the better of me. Like my various other addictions, if that's what this is, it's something I just have to take day by day and try not to drive myself crazy over (even if it's damn near impossible).
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