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rek (profile) wrote,
on 6-17-2015 at 10:32pm
Music: marina and the diamonds - teen idle
i feel like people would have missed me a lot more when i was 19 than now. like, a teenager that dies? that's a tragedy. someone who's almost 30 and not really doing anything special? pfeh.

my art skill hasn't really improved for several years now. i come home and just waste my life. i waste my weekends. i'm too scared to change anything, to move, to quit my job. i tell myself i'm lucky to have a steady income, to be living in a 1st world country, to be able to afford little things here, little things there. but none of those reassurances really make a dent in the overall feeling of dissatisfaction with life. this is it? this.. day to day.. boredom, waste, nothing. why am i doing this again?

tried yoga. tried buddhism. tried alcohol. tried being sober. smoking, quitting smoking. tried eating all of the food, recklessly. tried being vegan and calorie counting. long hair, short hair, fat, skinny, fit, lazy, going out, staying in, reading more, drawing more... painting this, drawing that, digital, acrylic, watercolor, ink, calligraphy, markers, pencils, furry, anime, realism, pop surrealism, natural illustration....... nothing really kills the killing soul of day to day with a meaningless job.

i quite honestly feel like i've failed myself, that life has no meaning, i'm going through the motions, and not really enjoying much of it. blame it on dysthymia, maybe, whatever. the most exciting parts of my life where when i was suicidal, alcoholic, constantly broke, and feeling horrible, but at least things were fucking interesting.

the only reason i'm not trying anything is because i now know how much a suicide attempt actually hurts and severely fear that pain.
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