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chuchitaaa (profile) wrote,
on 8-22-2015 at 9:58pm
Current mood: depressed
Music: variety.
Subject: today
today bryce mentioned a topic it seems he has been trying to avoid for about a year now.. we were supposed to have twins. that's right amiya is a twin. but i lost the baby around 7-8 weeks. i felt every cramp and saw blood and knew every pain i was having was me losing my baby. i think about her/him every day. and i thought he never did but apparently he has just been waiting until enough time has passed where it seems safe. i don't think i have ever been the same since i found out. i never got to know if the baby was a boy or girl. i had a materniT21 test (they thought amiya had down syndrome) and they didn't find any boy chromosomes. so i assume she would've been a girl. we talked about what we would have named him or her. if it was a girl Amiya's name would be Londyn and she would've been Paris. if it was a boy Malikai . i guess since i don't know i can just refer to the baby as Jamie <3 i have always loved that name and loved that i could use it for either a boy or girl. i would what jamie would've looked like. would she have taken after me , like amiya? would she have looked like bryce? would she be light skin like me or have more of a mixed look to her? i always wonder, how old she would've been when she first smiled. would she be really outgoing or shy? theory says she may have had chromosome issues which is why amiya came back high risk for down syndrome. i swear if Jamie would've had downs, nothing would have changed. she would be my perfect baby. special in her own way and beautiful in a way only she could be. i know one day i will leave this Earth and finally meet her. i hope she knows mommy misses her .. which is crazy cause i never got to hold her. i wonder if she knows how loved she is - even though i never even got to hear her heart beat. she changed me in so many ways and i love her for it. i love you baby. Mommy misses you - until we finally meet.
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