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x-cosmic-sunday-x (profile) wrote,
on 8-23-2015 at 3:59pm
Here we go again...

So I've been seeing this guy for the past few weeks... we've had some pretty deep conversation, play, sex, etc.
To set the stage, we started talking online, saw each other at a munch, ended up having tea... things went from there. We played at a party, as well as more privately a week and a half ago with a few friends.
He's in a poly relationship with his girlfriend (who has multiple partners), I have never been poly, but was willing to see where this might go, regardless of it being outside my comfort level. We talk at length about our wants/needs/comfort levels. I have an extremely difficult time opening up to people, sharing my feelings, thoughts, desires, trusting people. He pushed and pushed to get me to open up, reassuring me that I was safe, that he would not judge me, that he cared about me. The word "safe" was reiterated multiple times on multiple occasions. Finally I start to open up, I tell him my story, I tell him my crazy, I tell him about myself. I tell him my feelings for him, I tell him I'm reluctant but desperately want to try, I tell him I'm pushing comfort levels and boundaries, I'm clear about my feelings. In the past few days, it started becoming more apparent that he no longer seemed to have time for me in his life. We met up Thursday for tea, once I got there he made it clear he couldn't stay up late and I'd have to leave by 11:30. Okay, understandable. The past week his texts declined, I felt like it was becoming one sided just as quickly as we started. Last night, we had plans. He had a busy day, I went over, he didn't want to do said plans, again understandable. He makes some offside remark about "being shitty at taking time for himself", I take that as my cue to head out and let him have a night on his own. Kinda miffed but whatever. Today, he texts:

Boy: I'm sorry, I don't know what exactly to say. I like and care about you, but I'm also not feeling romantic, and I'm sorry I didn't say something last night.
Me: Okay. Can I ask what happened? changed? whatever?
Boy: It wasn't that something specific happened, or didn't happen... And I mean it when I say that I like and care about you.
I think what changed for me is, as dumb as this may sound, I feel tired. I'm run down and selfish-minded these days, and didn't realize just how much so until this weekend.
When we started talking about going and doing actual date-y things, I got a bit anxious, and couldn't figure out why right away. The moment I got it was when you and I were sitting and started talking about the beach, and I realized even that was more than I feel I have to offer, which isn't fair.

I'm feeling hurt, upset, led on, let down, vulnerable and of course internalizing everything as a personal problem.

I've been in this type of situation many times, I have a difficult time understanding if its something physical, mental, emotional, about myself or that I just rush into things. But it always seems as though there is someone better, more worth it, and I am not that person.
Of course I wish that things could have been different, and I understand you can't change how someone feels. But it hurts to be pushed to be so vulnerable and close to someone for them to turn around and trample on it. I wish he had decided this sooner, or at least not let things progress at the level and rate they did if he wasn't feeling 100%.
I'm also feeling ashamed of myself, because I was at a point where I was trying really hard to focus on myself, and I didn't want to be distracted by boys or girls or sex or any of that. I wasn't looking for someone, but then he just kind of appeared. And I was so worried about losing an opportunity for what? love? affection? a relationship? I don't know, that I let myself veer from my path. All for someone who in the end isn't worth it. And I'm left to pick up the pieces of myself, again.
I try and be guarded about the relationships I build, but when I feel a genuine connection with someone I like to imagine the possibilities. We had (what I thought) was such open, honest, good communication. He seemed to really know where he was at/what he wanted. Which is why I have a hard time believing in the past two days he just "realized" he didn't have time or energy to invest in me anymore.

Time to go fight the demons in my head. Again.

I know I should just walk away and not be the pathetic sniveling bitch but he deserved to know how he made me feel.
I'm feeling really hurt. I feel like you worked to gain my trust and constantly assured me I was "safe". I feel like I put myself out there, stepping outside my comfort zone, willing to work around you and your schedule, not asking for anything other than to be gentle with me. Giving you multiple opportunities to bow out. So to go through all that and for you to decide you don't have the time or energy for me is a pretty huge slap in the face.
You knew where I was at mentally and emotionally and you pushed me, and played on my emotions. It's hard for me to believe this just changed over the weekend, but whatever helps you sleep at night. I don't want a reply to this.
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