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x-cosmic-sunday-x (profile) wrote,
on 8-25-2015 at 9:58pm
You run away, cause I am not what you found.

I so desperately want change, and I'm trying my damndest.. to take the steps, to be the change I want to see, to see the bigger picture, but I'm so stuck inside my own head, my own hate, my own fear, that I can't see a light at the end of this tunnel.
I dont know how or why this hatred and disgusting vision of my self and self worth came to be...but somewhere the seed was planted, and its festered into something that is so beyond me, so beyond my capacity or ability to even consider otherwise. Its not important what started it, although I can speculate, but the importance lies in the desire to change. How do you let go of a lifetime of hate? I've never felt worthy, important, smart, capable, strong, on a fundamental level and superficially its even worse. I'm fat, ugly, short, freckled, my hairs too thin, face too long, I have cellulite and stretch marks, my boobs aren't big or perky enough. I dislike ever single cell in my body. I exercise, I eat well, I receive compliments from friends and strangers; nothing anyone can say makes any difference. Because if I dont like me, how can I believe anyone else would? This hatred is real, its deep, its ruthless and its mine.
This is what I deal with every day, every waking moment, like a constant nagging in the back of my mind. I have conversations in my head, in attempts to battle these demons. I've tried and do try every skill I've learned to fight this, and while I do not give up, every failed attempt makes me fearful that I won't ever get out of this distorted "selfception".

I am my own worst enemy.
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