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|rek (profile) wrote, |
on 8-2-2016 at 9:26pm
|Music: halsey, purity ring, lana.
Subject: is it heartburn or depression
|i have been thinking a lot lately about being human. not specifically this species but just being allowed to make mistakes. i have always been very hard on myself and unforgiving. stupid stupid stupid! every time i do something wrong. has the self criticism ever helped? maybe i am better at some things now, but somehow it feels like if i'm not the best, what's the point? and the older i get the more i'm quite sure i'm not nor will ever be 'the best' at anything at all, ever.
does being human mean i'll have this little burned out scar feeling in my heart forever? will i be able to accept myself with my errors and imperfections? people talk about loving people 'flaws and all'. i dont care about others' flaws - but somehow i can't seem to look past my own. i mean, my self is what i have 100% control over. right? so i can make it as perfect as possible.
the girls i draw have to be perfect too. because physically i can't. i've learned to -live with- the majority of my physical flaws - the worst of it is on my back, where i can't see. but you can make a drawing perfect. and things like 'accepting' and 'loving' your flaws.. the fuck is that. hippie bullshit. i don't hate myself anymore. but what do i have to offer that allows me to love myself?! yikes! i know all my flaws and screw ups, hard to love someone when you know everythingggg they've ever done wrong.
i've been getting that 'who am i' feeling.. tiny bit dissociated feeling every now and then. like, am i really here, doing this now?
are my stomach issues self-induced? do i stress out about everything and that's making my acid go in overdrive?
sometimes i wish i could be one of those people who believes in god or gods. little buddha, little wiccan altar. looks pretty, would end up being a chore. pinterest religion. tumblr nirvana.
i saw the license plate rek the other day. numbernumbernumberrek. i thought of her. could i ever forget? take your depression, humanize it into a character you draw, give it a name. i don't look like her anymore. funny how i made her immortal, so she is always wishing for death. i wonder, sometimes - and i think it is so - that there will be always a piece of me - dark puzzle piece - made of smoke and acid - water and pills - burning deep inside - that tells me that death is always an option. but now the piece of me that knows exactly how hard it is to accomplish is much, much stronger.
i'm not still alive just because i'm 'content' or mostly happy or generally stable and doing OK. i'm mostly still alive because i toed the line and i tried it and it brushed against me and it was so, so cold and terrible and real.
oh, god, it's been ten years. it's been ten years and i still remember what it was like.
i had this theory that every ten years something -important- happens to me. 1996, parents divorce. 2006, suicide attempt. 2016 - i think this is the most positive by far. i bought a house. sure 'we' bought a house but it was mostly me telling him what to do, making recommendations, paying bills, paying off debt, saving, taking his money so he didn't spend it on idiotic frivolous things. it sounds controlling but we fucking got something out of it. and now i can let go a little bit, but i'm scared because what if we lose it?
and i'm lost because what now? i got the house. i never thought i'd do that. how did we do that? we fucking did it.. fucking christ how the fuck... somehow we bought a house with $6000.
but i feel her clawing back a little now because that was my goal for so so very long, now that it's been attained... i was expecting this amazing high, this smashing happiness but i never peaked. i stayed steady then i got this hollow emptiness inside. like that feeling i get when i go shopping and i buy something i didn't need but something i ~wanted~ except this is on a scale of 960 sq ft so it was a week of emptiness afterward instead of an hour. i made myself stop buying things - started to try to do things for someone else instead - and i got a little bit of a high out of it for a little bit. little bit happy feeling like that feeling when i'm driving through the woods in the summer with my favorite song on. and then a joke and a joke response but i think it was serious and oh hi insecurity there you are. there she is, little pit.
no conclusion, this is just mind vomit.