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koalalady (profile) wrote,
on 1-12-2017 at 9:47pm
Current mood: loved
Music: none.
Subject: On Optimism.
So, let's see. If I were to try being optimistic (instead of pessimistic, like I usually am), I would trust that everything is going to work out fine. I will not eventually be unloved. It would be OK for me to change my mind all the time and not have to worry about everything crashing down around my ears. It would be OK for me to trust people. It would be OK for me to trust myself.

I would be able to let this go. I would finally accept the fact that the past is in the past, and doesn't really need to affect me that much in the now. I can be good at that again. I am already accepting that peace more deeply, every time I remind myself what is and what is not my problem, my mistake, my sin (as it were).

It's all so complicated at times. But the past couple of months have honestly been better. The holidays really helped; getting to see my good family and friends. Getting a chance to travel and clear my head a bit. Doing stuff on my own and giving S the room to do the same has been good. Being more honest and open about what I'm feeling, when I'm feeling it, has been good. I haven't een letting things fest as much. Really grieving out loud and in person with our people was a helpful outlet too.

Next: I've got to work on my self-esteem. Having a bit of structure is nice, but I don't need to keep flogging myself needlessly. Staying in the present with some loose but clear goals has been good. Mostly music stuff, some of it personal. I think a good idea might be for me to call my therapist tomorrow and set up an appointment for next week. I tend to feel much more gloomy in the winter (thanks, SADD), and S suggested the wise idea of sticking with it through the winter months at least and then reassessing when spring comes (because we actually do get a spring season here, point for fucking Ohio; sorry, Michigan) since my shitty insurance won't cover the full year.

So that's what I'm up to now. Gershwin, maybe some Bach, and self-esteem/confidence.
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