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robbingnovember (profile) wrote,
on 6-20-2017 at 9:20pm
I've been feeling emotional lately. I just cry about all of these things. I'm feeling helpless and lost. I haven't been taking care of myself the way i planned to... still numbing and finding it difficult to be alone. I need to figure out how to motivate myself to start these processes. Things that need to happen include: 1. create art 2. write poetry 3. write 4. sing 5. meditate 6. work out 7. make food. 8. do yoga 9. read. Maybe I have to sit down and try to figure out how to schedule these things. Maybe I can add one thing like this to my day each day-- although I really should meditate daily. I truly think this is the only way to get out of this funk and when I have dedicated myself to this then maybe I will join match ....
I feel sad about all sorts of things. (but I always thought that I'd see you again). I'm sad because I am getting older and I have to let go of long held fantasies. Jeff is going to get married to that beautiful blonde girl. Daniel is never going to leave group for me. I wish I were someone else's fantasy. I'm sad because I love my nephew so much, but I won't get to see him that often. I'm sad because sometimes my job stresses me out so much and sometimes i think I'm terrible at it. So many people have been fired from my work-- I'm always afraid I am on the chopping block. I'm scared about money- I'm scared I don't know about anything about finances and I won't be able to take care of myself. I'm sad about K. I am so sad about K. I feel so stuck because I love him, but we are in the same place we were in 6 months ago. Something that makes me really sad is that sometimes I think I made him feel not good enough and that's a burden that cuts deep. I'm scared because I feel all this sadness and stress is really terrible for my health.
I know the only thing I can work on is myself. I don't know what my block is. Why am I so scared to be alone? What demons do I have to face? What is so terrible with being bored? Maybe it will be good to cry every day
Honestly that family I work with is driving me INSANE. I hate seeing them. I can't sleep at night before I go see them and it takes me all week to heal. I selfishly hope they will quit because being with them makes me face all of my inadequacies. Maybe I will do art nowwwww.
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