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srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote,
on 7-8-2017 at 2:24pm
Subject: here and gone.
I get really bad anxiety, especially when it comes to food. I swear up and down that whatever I eat will kill me, then have a panic attack which then convinces myself that I am actually dying which makes me think... huh. Maybe that food is killing me. Then it keeps going down and down... even if the quiet voice in my head is like "You're okay. Honest."

I don't know what to do about it. It makes me not want to eat a lot because the anxiety gets to be so bad.

For instance, earlier... I made biscuits, that turned out absolutely disgusting. But I ate them anyway because I was in a weird place. And if I put honey on them... they tasted kind of okay. So a lot of them I kept putting honey on and now I swear I am dying from botulism. I'm not shaky from low blood sugar or lack of real food or anything like that. No, I am shaky because I am becoming paralyzed and will slowly not be able to breathe and then I'll die.

I am 99% convinced ya'll.

Even though I know it is not true. Like I know the reason I am truly shaking is because a. I am nervous about writing this and b. because my blood sugar is low cause hello, all I had were disgusting biscuits and honey.

I have to tell this to the panicking stick person running in my head and half the time it doesn't listen. It just runs around and around flailing its arms in the air going "AHHHHH" until it runs into a wall, falls down... only to get up and flail and run around some more.

It's kind of exhausting, I tell you.

It's this daily battle and I am not sure how to get it to stop short of just not eating so there isn't even any panic. But that is not an option.

So I will just continue to try and calm the panicking stick person and try and get it to stop running around arms flailing... but some times it's a losing battle.

Putting it out in the open helped a little. I guess. Maybe?

I don't know.

All I know is something has to change because I can't deal with it anymore. It's exhausting to panic all the time especially over something you can't avoid... like food. I think I understand were the panic comes from but I don't know what to do about that. I don't know if there's anything I can do about that part, the origin of the panic. But the panic itself... I think I can work on managing.

Maybe? I guess I'll keep trying.
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