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srsbsnsrunner (profile) wrote,
on 7-25-2017 at 8:06am
Subject: Hello feelings!
Some days I do a really awesome job at managing my life and inner-world, other days it all crashes and burns. Or is on the verge of crashing and burning but I catch it before it does.

That's where we are right now, on a verge. It's funny, being on the verge of crashing always comes right after the time I say "YAY! Look at me! Look at how well I'm coping!"

Overconfidence. It kills every time.

Anyway - I am currently extremely overwhelmed. There's a large move coming up in 8 months, I'm at the very end of my Master's program, my internship site wants to hire me... a lot of changes are happening and some times I do okay with navigating them. Other times it's like "WOAH! Hit the brakes! This is too much!"

Today I hit the brakes. I was supposed to go to internship but I looked at my task list of school assignments due all within the next week or two and got very overwhelmed. So I took a break. I am kind of worried about making sure I finish my internship hours... I know I won't actually finish in time but another week or two after where I won't have classes at all... I'll have a chance to finish them then. Cause I'll have like 30-40 left.

It'll be fine. I keep telling myself it'll be fine.
Cause it will. Life always seems to work out... one way or another. And some times you have to switch around priorities and juggle different things.

I feel guilty for having to draw the line somewhere but I also have an interview today which is already stressing me out. So yeah. Drawing the line here is better than having a breakdown over there. I've had enough of those in the past to know when they're coming. And one is looming... if I let things go unchecked.

That's the difficult part about struggling with mental illness. You try and act like everyone else and keep pace with everyone else but some days you have to slow down and stop.
I hate that. I'm trying to learn to accept it but doesn't mean I don't hate it any less.
Cause slowing down is hard and part of me feels "less than" because I do have to slow down and navigate my life a little differently.

If I don't... then I won't have a life that is worth living at all. It'd be a huge chaotic mess and I'd be having episodes every other weeks and yeah, it'd be bad.

I feel slightly less guilty and slightly less overwhelmed now. I think. Maybe?

I am still an excellent clinician even if I miss a day or two of work. Taking care of me. That's what excellent clinicians do right? Take care of themselves before they can take care of others. And some times that means acknowledging the feelings of being overwhelmed and dealing with them instead of letting them fester into something destructive.

Yes. That's what I am doing, I am acknowledging that right now I am overwhelmed. And I need to take steps to deal with it but also accept that this soon will pass and I'll go back to being okay.

It'll all be fine. It always is :)
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