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steppingstones (profile) wrote,
on 6-27-2018 at 12:59am
Current mood: stressed
Music: Get Rid of All the Toxins and Negativity || Soothing Solfeggio Frequency Music 741Hz
Subject: Daily Reflections
The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

June 27 - Achieving Harmony

It's fitting the start of this new project is about playing the piano, learning new pieces, and not being able to play it perfectly from the get go. That's exactly been my thoughts in the last few days as I reflected on my past difficulties in being able to practice and learning new pieces. I learn pieces through muscle memory and a more non-conscious expression of the notes. For piano definitely but even it could be argued for percussion, I don't intimately know the ins and outs of them. I can't look at a piece of music and instantly tell you what note it is despite playing music for a decade. Would I be better if I could? I think so. But I guess in not getting into those arguments, I'm just recognizing that when I learn music it's at a distance. And I've argued that I couldn't get myself to practice because of my intense depression, inability to be alone with my thoughts, and severe lack of energy.

I also could never practice if someone else could hear me. I used to envy Katie's ability to practice loudly in the middle of the house. Though I never really heard her stumble over the music like I had to. A larger point is that I just shut the door and paid attention to the computer not to her practicing. In my head when I practice everyone is listening and JUDGING. I could never do something no perfect. Not /well/ at least. It's like they say for INTJ people - that you'll never see us practicing, we'll only do something in front of people if it's completely right.

I have this constant obsession with perfection. And I feel like it links back to being judged by my mother. She didn't fault me for not being good at sports and music and things, but in every other aspect of life if I wasn't perfect then I would get punished. Yelled at and shut down and broken. I feel like I'm always under a magnifying glass and that naturally growing from mistakes is just not allowed. It feels like life and death and so I don't do it.

It goes on to equate the practicing of music to the practicing of recovery skills and healthy steps. I struggle with the baby steps, the constant picking myself back up and trudging onwards. I want it to be perfect now. I feel like if I suddenly don't just behave like I'm supposed to then I failed and none of it was worth it. That's almost exactly like what mom said to me on the phone yesterday. I'm not doing good enough so I need to leave.

I think both of these issues have been in need of an overhaul. I'm constantly on myself for not having done something or done something well. And I try to jump ahead only to lose my balance and fall. I think it's just figuring out which step is what I take next.

I'm reminded of the Glennon quote to just do the next most right thing. If everything is overwhelming and I have no idea where to start or what to do, just do the next thing that feels right.

This cuts through a lot of the bullshit my brain layers on. All of the "I don't want to" and "I'll do it later" and "I can't do that now."

Today, I will practice my recovery behaviors through the individual parts of my life. I trust that, one day, things will come together in a full, complete song.
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