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steppingstones (profile) wrote,
on 6-27-2018 at 6:23pm
Current mood: processing
Subject: To N from 2017
10/2/17

I realize now that we've talked before about how it's been hard on you to have continuous calls with R when she's crying. And I recognize that this is like the third call in a row where I've cried and our conversations have become increasingly dark.

I've tried hard to handle these kinds of things when I'm both your best friend and your partner. And I can imagine that the greater difficulty lied not in her act of crying but that the cause had to do with you. And I believe that you may feel partly different about this new trend with my crying. I don't want you to feel like that's not a difficulty you can share with me. As in, I don't think I've internalized repeat crying as an issue with me.

And normally I would just stop crying when we're on the phone and probably take extra subtle steps to emphasize that I'm alright in the next few days.

But I'm not going to indulge either of those. If I cry again tomorrow because I'm hurting and sad, then I cry. And maybe I'll have the energy to hear your optimistic heartwarming love-words and maybe I won't. And then we'll go on to the next day until it eventually changes. And I trust that you won't punish me for hurting and expressing it to you. And that even if this geyser of emotion is hard for you to process each day you'll still keep trying or let me know. And you'll still say that it's okay for me to be whatever me I need to be.

Love you <3


--

I don't remember times when I was crying on the phone with him.. I only remember him saying R was doing it repeatedly and how much it brings him down. I have no memory of doing it myself. Fun...
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