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goodbye (profile) wrote,
on 7-29-2018 at 10:37am
This lady has me on the hook for this job. She has for a month and a half. She said the interview is supposed to happen next week. She has said that before. It's not even that great of a job. But I can't find anything else that will pay me like she might. I'm not sure I even want to work yet. I'm bored and stuff and I need money...but I wish I took him up on the offer he made so long ago. And now it's not on the table.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I go up and down so often... maybe I should ask my counselor about bipolar disorder. But perhaps I'm just the dangerous kind of "impulsive" after years of hemming and hawing. I get tired of having not made a definitive position and then I jump into what I think others expect of me or I only look at the bad and run away from something that can be mended.

But then I try and mend things that I know are not good for me.

It's a dangerous cycle and I'm not sure how to move forward. I want to. I want it to be everything. Lately I've been noticing how friendships are kind of surface for me at times or the interactions are so few and far between that they don't seemingly have an impact on me like they used to. It's odd how growing up can make you see that you are the only one who is going to move your life in any direction and that, while friends are supportive and fun to spend the days with, no progress will be made with them.

So I'm looking at the person that progress will be made with. Family is foundation. And I want to put him there. And I want to give him everything. But I've fucked up and have had my depression take over what little hope I had before. Now that it's there, he isn't convinced.

So we're just waiting on both of us, separately. Our progress is waiting on moving myself forward in my own life and him doing the same. And honestly? It's fucking agonizing. In-part because of dreadful loneliness that has no cure but his company. In-part because I have that cycle above and have hemmed and hawed over career options for such a long time. I think about certain things I want to do and then I'm not sure if I'll like them in practice. So I think, what is a way I can get there? Job shadow? Go pro? How do you propose that to companies in a way that will benefit them? I don't want to get myself into something I won't actually like.

Life is so god damned challenging. I have made so many bad choices and now I have to really think about how those choices have impacted everything. Why can't it just be a little bit easier?
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