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steppingstones (profile) wrote,
on 9-28-2018 at 12:22am
Current mood: nervous
Subject: Interview Countdown ...3
I need to do something about it not saving what I type. And Macy needs to no sit on my laptops any more.

It's so cold in my room my fingertips are numb. And I can't find my fingerless gloves.

There's less than 3 hours till the interview with American Academy of Arts and Sciences. I'm getting nervous. And I'm trying to use writing to switch my brain into the right mindset.

Yesterday, while avoiding writing, I was thinking about how it's like sobering up. You force your mind to be clear and in control. I've been good at that before and when I smoked too much Wednesday and was at karaoke I practiced that.

This is to get myself to be and feel functional. That I'm connected to my thinking brain and that I don't have to force it. I can just trust it to talk. Requires not being nervous. Or caring about a specific outcome. Nick has already made it clear that this job does not define me and getting it or not does not change who I am. I have a good life right now, even though I'd like to be more productive at home. But I'm happy and Nick and Scott love me and I hang with Macy all day.

The other day I talked to the landlord about the leak in the bathroom. I started to get dizzy and dissociate-y while talking cause I couldn't seem to communicate the idea of the tarp and suction. And another tenant came in and talked to us too. But by the end I was speaking fine and felt fine with people. Enough to initiate chats in the uber on my own volition. That's the kind of functioning brain I want to channel.

I want to be able to think about things and make it personal. I want to be able to see the hidden question in their questions and know how to answer targeting that question. Requires not being afraid.

I seem to really truly be run by fear. Each time I think I have a handle on it I see how much more and how much deeper I'm actually still run by fear.

Nick and I have started Minecraft again and I've gotten HUGE spikes of adrenaline from the monsters. Totally freaking out hardcore and having full system shut down. I'm closer to reminding myself that it doesn't matter, it's just a game. And that I can make back anything I lose. And that it's fun.

But it's still such a lot. Im still very very invested. And very freaked out. Maybe I should just go out at night and kill things until I die.

Mindfulness and meditation. I'll do the Day 4 of Headspace now to try and come down from the amped up I got talking about Minecraft monsters. And then try to reassert my mind again.

Plug in to the real world.
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