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steppingstones (profile) wrote,
on 11-7-2018 at 12:56am
Subject: on leading and leadership
I don't lead if someone else in the group wants to lead. I let them take control. I'll still monitor what they do and sometimes subtly direct things or speak up. Sometimes speak up. Sometimes just go along like flotsam.

I used to lead. I used to be very good at it. Back when it didnt matter and I didnt realize what it was like for the people following. And back when I used terrible intimidation methods to get my way. Back in high school when I would hit and push people physically. Like in band practice. And with Kyle. I think it was a manifestation of what I learned from my mother. Hurt them. Bend them to your will. The only way they'll listen to you is by force. How does one talk? How does one convince? How does one properly lead?

And then I just stopped. Mr Manus was taping in English class for some award or something and I saw myself from the outside and I froze. I stopped leading. I stopped speaking up. I stoppd saying my ideas. I just stopped.

And that was the last time that I confidently led something.

Now if anyone else around wants to be the leader I let them.

Unless I'm with Katie. With Katie I still auto lead. And it feels very good. Very easy. Very comfortable. And she lets me. She wants met to. I think I still get her input. And leave space for her to lead together somewhat.

But it's like the driving. I always drove. She always sat passive in the passenger. It's always been our dynamic.

So I can still lead. I just don't switch into it as easily, as auto anymore.

And thus there are no consequences right?

I let Nick lead. Nick loves to lead. I follow him. Before it was like on a leash (without the connotation) or a hand hold. I would trail behind, not even paying attention to what was happening, just following his trail.

As I progressed I became more and more aware but still wouldnt say my truth. I still doubted my thoughts and trusted that his were better. That his judgement was better. That he was whole and thinking and could do the things better than me, proven by all the things he was doing and I was not, and so I followed him.

I lead when I'm on my own though. I think that's a core element to switching into being "on." Making your own decisions. Leading your own life. Like when I go to cons, and I do a con the whole day going to what I want to go to, doing what I want when I want it. And then when I wake up the next day I'm "on" and I can be me easier and I just do what I want withtou thinking it apart.
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